SilentSCREAM
These thoughts were triggered by choosing what energy I allow myself to sit in…
I guess I’ll start at the beginning. “Once upon a time not long ago I was a”…mentally stable being…born into a family of dysfunction. And today I was reminded how deep the dysfunction goes. It took me a few minutes to consciously decide not to do too much with the exploitation of my little sister’s behavior today because I know my niece will grow up and read this. So I’m choosing to remember when I was young and entitled…with no Earthly desire to acknowledge that the world doesn’t revolve around me. I have no desire to be this higher version of myself after the trigger attempt that took place today…but God is giving me the option. And if I pretend I don’t see it…He’ll know. Which now gives me the oPpoRTuNITy to choose my words carefully…even after being told by my little sister: “YOu BE sO pREsSed, OmG. LiKE mY liFe UPsEts You. It’S CUte BuT SCaRy tO SEe liKE DAmn WhY yOu SO mAd?” These satanic sentences were strung together right after I told her to get a job and right before she blocked me.
This latest ‘psychotic break’ trigger was well thought out but poorly executed…as usual. Today, I was asked by my niece’s aunt on her dad’s side to pick her up…at the exact time I’d usually get ready to leave the house. But…I told my little sister last week that I had too much work this week to play chauffeur. I felt my body heat up and responded accordingly…but in a respectful-ish way. It wasn’t the fact that I had already annoyed myself this morning by texting the MUA chat, rehashing memories of their mistreatment. (SSs below). It wasn’t even the fact that I almost gave them the benefit of the doubt on stepping up to assist me with pick ups. What made this trigger so uncomfortably annoying is the fact that today is the 9/9 Portal. I’m not an expert on the full meaning but from what I know…9’s symbolize completion and they signify the beginning of something new. So I didn’t want to sit in any energy that I’m trying to get rid of. Coincidentally…this is exactly the energy my little sister tried to get me in. Surprise surprise.
Wooooooooooooooooooo…….Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
It makes no sense to keep getting mad over something I can’t change…so I calmed myself down. I was reminded that a reckless reaction is what they’re looking for so I chose not to give it to them. Instead, I went to the chat…sent screenshots from my other conversations and wrote “Y’all need a reaction so bad”. Doing it this way left the ‘bipolar’ person looking like I was misdiagnosed…in front of a family that has been lusting over my mental decline for years. Did I think these intentional triggers would have stopped a while ago? I honestly did. Do I think they ever will? Not as long as they feel like no one knows what they’re doing. Which is why I refuse to stop posting. Eventually the right pair of eyes will see this. Hopefully that leads to more eyes…and those eyes will lead to someone in my family being asked…”You heard about that bipolar blogger whose family tried to get her to delete herself?” I go to sleep fantasizing about the roller coaster stomach drop they’ll experience when they read my words and I feel like that will make my pain worth the experience. I know this is a vengeful type of motivation but it’s keeping me consistent so I’ll take what I can get right now.
Love,
Choosy
