Doxxer
These thoughts were triggered by my aspiration to maintain my self-control…
It’s been a long time coming…but I think I’m finally figuring out how to control my ‘mania’. I only sent 1 troll text to the group chat today. After yesterday’s trigger, that normally would’ve had me text vomiting for days, that’s a big deal! I’m not sure what’s going on with my twin, but ever since I sent the link to that YT video about ‘karmics’…she’s invoked her right to remain silent. Which isn’t like her at all. I think the truth of her lies is finally setting in…along with everyone else who participated in the dismantling of my perception these last 4 years. It almost feels like I’m living in an alternate reality right now because I haven’t fully accepted that I now have legitimate proof that what I’ve been saying has been happening…has actually been happening. These people are literally trying to break down my mental state. But I’ve been so good at compartmentalizing my pain that I’ve just been jumping from one trigger attempt to the next, without taking the time to accept that I already know what to expect. So controlling myself shouldn’t be as hard as it used to be.
Now that I’m inching into a place of clarity…I’m able to recall, with ease, truths about these setups that I used to forget. My spotty memory makes sense because this sh*t has been stressful and it still hasn’t stopped. I said in the blog I posted Monday that there’s a lot going on behind the scenes right now. Understatement. There was a trigger that took place over the weekend that was supposed to seal my fate for the trigger that was done yesterday and…they got me on that one. The subject matter is sensitive but the result was me sending 29 texts to the chat. By the end of it…I had given out the names and dates of birth for a few ‘family’ members…including myself. This ‘leak’ was a conscious decision though. I know for sure that my little sister no longer has the number she had when I started the current chat and there’s a couple other numbers in question too. Which has played a part in my decision not to start a new chat because it’s been giving me peace of mind knowing that there’s someone outside of the horde witnessing my breakdowns happen in real time.
I’m purposefully writing this blog in anonymity for many reasons. The biggest one is…I have enough to deal with outside of the internet. And my life experiences have made me a private person…with no desire for anything other than my work to be known. But I know what I’m experiencing is serious so I acted under the umbrella of my ‘mania’ and gave out personal information to ‘familiar’ strangers. (Fingers crossed on their discretion if this blog ever gets recognition.) My doxx decision ironically brought a sense of safety to me and when I combined that with the knowing that these ponies keep doing the same trigger trick…I was able to control my urge to manically text from a place of fear today. Because now someone else knows exactly who the players are…and I finally accept the game they’ve been playing all this time. Now that I’ve ‘peeped’ it…my twin is on mute and my little sister still has me blocked. Tough crowd.
Love,
Choosy
