Selective

These thoughts were triggered by my decision to identify as bipolar…

I knew it was too good to be true. I knew my no contact…unless I contact…boundary wouldn’t be respected. But I was still shocked when my little sister text me a pick up request from an unknown number…two hours before my niece got out of school. We’ve gone back and forth a few times about her asking me, at the last minute, to drop what I’m doing so that I can take care of her business. And even though she pretends to go along with my protests in the moment…she always finds a way to make me feel like I have to do what is being requested of me…irrespective of timing. I know it’s ultimately my decision on what I choose/choose not to do but when her child is thrown into the equation…the guilt from not doing what is asked of me is a lot. This guilt is always heightened when I can’t prove whether or not I’m justified in my decision not to help…when I know I can…if I inconvenience myself. Which is what happened today.

I don’t know what the car situation is with my niece’s mother but today is the second time she’s used the excuse of the car “not starting” when asking me to change up my schedule. The last time she used this excuse my intuition told me to tell her I would meet her where she was so she wasn’t waiting on roadside assistance by herself since it was after 11pm…on a Saturday night. She ignored that text but replied to something else. I say that to say…I can never tell what the truth is with these people. Which always leaves me second guessing how I should move. I woke up knowing my workload was going to be heavy because of the day off I had yesterday, so getting my niece would have had me working until 7. I told her no…but my anxiety asked me to send a toxic text to the group chat when it was close to the time my niece got out of school because I needed to release my frustration around my decision. And…I complied. (SS below)

Now…I’m sitting here realizing that I’ve been the issue. I keep complaining about how my BM won’t take accountability for my present day inconvenience resulting from her history of parenting my little sister…but I’m creating another avenue for her to avoid looking into that mirror. By me stepping in every time my little sister pretends to be helpless…I’m taking the pressure of being uncomfortable off the shoulders of the people who should be experiencing discomfort. No one stepped in to help me last school year, even after all my rants, because they knew I was just going to bump my thumbs but at the end of the day…I was still going to show up for my niece. So they had no reason to accommodate my comfort. I had them thinking I was effortlessly picking my niece up until I crashed out in the middle of the school year. But I was actually taking my laptop and doing my work while I was in the pick up line and then either driving to a parking lot with my niece to finish the rest or going home to complete it if there was too much to do. After one too many trigger attempts…I snapped.

But I chose to make carrying all that weight look easy because I wanted to prove myself. Which is why they saw nothing wrong with allowing me to overextend myself. But I’m grateful for selective memory because now I suddenly remember the disorder they refuse to let me forget. And I’d be ‘crazy’ to make them out to be liars after all the work they’ve put in.

Love,

Choosy