DisEngaged

These thoughts were triggered by not being triggered…

Today is the new moon. Usually this is where I go into detail about how my ‘family’ is doing one of their rant inducing rituals that leave me looking like a crazed lunatic in the group chat but…they’re blocked. I received some insight from another video posted by the Coach I mentioned in my last post about how ghosting is usually used by individuals who haven’t learned a healthy way to set boundaries. And…I agree. But I’ve tried to set boundaries with these ‘women’ for years and it always seems to be working…until it’s not. I’ve even tried verbalizing my desires to be treated like the emotionally imbalanced person they claim I am but they keep moving the goalpost on how unstable I actually am. So the only option that I keep coming to is to completely remove myself from the possibility of being purposefully triggered. I felt a sense of power after fully committing to my decision a few days ago…until I was forced to acknowledge the fact that the only reason they’ll feel a way about my decision is because they rely on me to play chauffeur. Not because they’ll miss me as a sibling.

I’ve still been unblocking my little sister on the days that I don’t have that much work to let her know I can pick my niece up and so far this method has been successful. Doing it this way allows me to see my niece on my terms and it reinforces my ability to control how I choose to give. Before now I felt like I was being forced to give to individuals who didn’t appreciate my kindness and that was keeping me in a never ending cycle of feeling used. I keep asking myself if I’m making the right decision because I know by removing myself from the school pick up line…I’m putting a lot of weight onto my little sister’s shoulders. But then I think back on the fact that I played this role faithfully every day last school year and was still met with constant disrespect from the people relying on me to make their lives easier. So the people pleaser in me is going to have to take a backseat to the version of me that needs to earn my self-respect back.

I took a local road trip earlier today since I didn’t have to work and while driving I started thinking about all the time I’ve wasted trying to gain approval, that I’ll never get, from certain people in my ‘family’. I can’t be nice enough, self-sacrificing enough, or loving enough to be viewed differently in their eyes and at the end of the day…I have to accept that truth. I tried to reason with their reasoning for spending all these years pretending I’m this psychologically unsound individual…just to turn around and require me to play opposites when it’s convenient for them. I wish I could say that I came to a conclusion that left me feeling hopeful about the possibility of mending our ‘familial’ fence…but at the root of their behavior…lies the kind of jealousy that can’t be healed. There will never be a time when they don’t require me to be beneath them and these last 4 years are a testament to that truth.

So blocking them feels like it’s beneficial for us all. This way they don’t have to waste so much time pretending to be so much better than me while simultaneously attempting to trigger my mania…and I don’t have to keep ranting and raving about how their triggers aren’t affecting me when my actions clearly show that they are. Alls well that ends…this triggernometry.

Love,

Choosy