PawnShop
I.PROMISE.I’M.DONE.THIS.TIME.
Chileeeeeeee…I did it again. There is no easy way to say I have no self-respect because I would never want to admit something like that. But after ranting in the group chat, all morning, about the poor parenting that is still leading to me feeling like I have to play someone else’s role…then insinuating I was done by my making a dramatic exit…before turning around hours later offering to play driver…just to have my little sister make me wait outside in the car for 9 minutes before she came out to get her child…I think it’s time for me to have a heartfelt conversation with my heart. All day I kept having this nagging feeling that I needed to ask if my sister needed me to get my niece. I had a decent amount of work but not too much to where I couldn’t make the drive. So a few minutes before I usually get up to get ready to go get CC…I asked if my services were needed. She replied within 10 seconds telling me “yes” so I got ready and left out to get the little one.
I text my little sister after I finished my work asking where the drop off was going to be. Her response took longer than the first but she let me know. While driving, my niece filled me in on a birthday dinner they went to for one of my siblings over the weekend. And…all of my ‘mother’s’ children were there but me. I felt a sting of agitation for no other reason besides the fact that my BM is the one responsible for this crack in the foundation of our unit…I’m just the one making sure everyone sees it. But no one turns their back on a black ‘mother’…so the bipolar got the boot. They’re all blocked anyway but I think we all know I wouldn’t have gotten an invite. I smiled and listened to my niece talk while pretending not to be bothered and by the time we got to our destination…the thought of being triggered by her mother was nowhere in my mind. But in new moon ritualistic fashion…9 minutes after the pull up and 2 texts later…my little sister unapologetically appeared at my car door.
I did my one two to the group chat to tell the others how I keep setting myself up to be played…but I didn’t word it that way. (SS below) And while driving home I realized, once again, that this is exactly what I would have dealt with if I chose to have children with either of the men who knocked me up. The energy my ‘family’ carries is the same exact energy that those men carried. And my inability not to call a thing a thing still very much exists. Together…an atmosphere of top tier toxicity, that nothing can thrive in, is created. It almost feels like my ‘families’ energy is addicted to violating me because they know the kids prevent me from fully walking away. Which was the same exact dynamic I didn’t want with my intimate relationships so I left…without the chains of a child attached to me. At this point, my belief that there’s nothing worse than developing an attachment to a child…is being validated once again. Because children have always and will always be used as pawns…to give those who feel powerless…a sense of power. I’m done.
Unpopular Opinion: I’m willing to bet there isn’t a living soul who doesn’t have at least one ‘powerless’ parent…that used procreation to their advantage. Don’t @ me.
Love,
Choosy
