FlipFlopper

What Had Happened Was: Let’s just get the “But I thought you said’s” out the way now caaaause…I just be talking. I don’t know why I talk like I’m really about that life but…shame on you if you’re judging my flip flops. Because I’m human!…

If that gaslighting didn’t work let me take a second to apologize for lying to you in yesterday’s post. Because today I went back to the chat and I tried to pick my niece up. But I promise my words were the truth when I said them.

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These thoughts were triggered by me passing the buck…

I’ve known for years that being petty never really ends well for me and today I was reminded that nothing has changed. I knew last night that I was more than likely going to pick my niece up today but I decided not to tell my sister. Last week I told her if I don’t text her in the morning, saying I’ll play pick up…then I won’t be. So I purposefully didn’t text her until I had already driven all the way to my niece’s school and was waiting in the carpool lane. The voices in my head screamed at me, before I left the house, to text her and I told them verbatim…”I’ll just come back home if I’m wrong”. And did. My little sister text me right back telling me she had picked my niece up early because that’s the only time her ride could take her. What did I do? Sat there looking dumb in the face. Normally when the ‘family’ is involved…I lack the desire to have a bad time all by myself. Which led me to take a troll down memory lane in the group chat. (SSs below)

I started out just wanting to vent after the memory of my BM (biological mother) telling me I had accomplished “nothing” flicked my frontal lobe. That text snowballed into truths that I’ve left unsaid all these years while my mental health CRiSis led the topic of their conversations. A couple months ago my twin fixed her fingers to call me a ‘bum’ and insinuated that I don’t work hard and those comments still tap dance through my thoughts occasionally. Why? Because she’s a mistruth teller. The who I am vs. who they claim I am isn’t adding up so I spoke on it. When my focus turned to my twin, one of my inside voices told me to unblock her. Neither of us possesses the ability to be quiet in certain situations but the reasoning is very different. I can’t shut up when a lie is being told about me and she can’t shut up when the truth is being told about her. We’re twins…but not twins twins.

I always think it’s weird when I tell a million truths but she only chooses to focus on whichever one she can mold into a believable lie. She does this all the time and today was more of the same. I did my part to help her feel as dumb as possible and by the end of it I forgot how dumb I felt for going up to my niece’s school for no reason. Was this toxic of me? Not you judging again…sir and/or ma’am. I know I started this project talking about all the healing I’m trying to do and that felt so good when I wrote it out. But the truth is I’m f*cked up. Period after the. Do I wish I could consistently play the highest version of myself? Well… I think I convinced myself that healing only looks like soft tones and temperaments but mine is all encompassing. Some days I feel like a nut…and some days I don’t. Living in that truth feels better than showing up as someone else’s definition of healed because everyone is making this sh*t up as they go anyway. So please bear with me on which flip flops I choose to wear…on any given day because…I’m a ‘like to have options’ girlie.

Love,

Choosy

Clarification: My neck had a shingle-like outbreak, the size of a quarter, last year after I let my niece and little sister move into my shoebox. It was the first time I had ever experienced my body reacting to stress in that way and it was painful asf. It took a month for the baby boils to go away and I still have scarring on my skin. I sent pictures to the chat letting them know what was happening but no one said a thing…to this day. A week later they moved out. True story.