RunAway

Disclaimer: I fat shame in the screenshots below.

These thoughts were triggered by my decision to stroll down the lanes of my memories…

I found an old diary of mine from 2011 and decided to start reading it. This is one of 2 diaries that I still have in my possession and when I read them I always wish I had the ones from my childhood because I was always so detailed with my thoughts. I don’t know if I’ve said this in any of my previous posts but ALL of my diaries…and other childhood memories have been lost to storage units. We moved around often and whenever a move happened my mother would put our things in storage units and never pay the bill. So I have nothing to remind me of that time. Finding a picture of me from back then is honestly like finding gold. I have wondered if the lost memories were by design especially since I remember little to nothing from before the age of 12. But…that’s probably the ‘bipolar’ talking. Either way…I started reading a diary I wrote around the time I ‘ran away’ from home…at the age of 25…and it is filling in a lot of blanks.

The page I am stuck on speaks about a car accident I got in right before I got on a Greyhound bus and didn’t tell anyone in my ‘family’ where I went. The car accident happened after my little sister told me to look over at something… “After I finished looking an older man caught my eye and I had the immediate thought that he was an angel.” (July 21, 2011) My little sister screamed my name while I was looking at the man and before I could press the brakes I ran into the back of an F150…going no more than 15mph because the light had just changed. The driver, strangely and coincidentally, was a former teacher of my little sister. I had a Dodge Neon, so needless to say my car was totaled.

In this entry I spoke about the plans I had already made to leave. I had decided to leave in September and the plan was to save enough money to tint the windows on my car and sleep in it. (Hindsight induces gratitude for the accident.) At the time I was living back with my BM and my little sister and I literally wrote…”I just want to go! Now I have to make a new plan! But I’m leaving! I can’t help but think something greater than myself is purposefully causing this bad luck but I can’t figure out how to get around it! I prayed today but I still haven’t heard back from Him. This paranoia about the people I’m surrounded by is growing stronger by the day and I don’t know what to do! So I’m leaving!”

I ended up leaving about a month later and went to Asheville, NC. It was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had in life. I did some research before I left and got into a homeless program that focused on women and children. When I got to the place I’d be staying for the next 6 months, I found out there were a lot of programs focused on helping the homeless population. I love the energy of that city. If it wasn’t for the cold winters…I’d move back there today. I waited a few months before telling any of my ‘family’ where I went and as soon as I told them…a new toxic individual showed up in my environment and ended up making the end of my experience unbearable. Outside of that, I ate some of the best food I’ve ever had in my life, I was almost taught how to play chess (I couldn’t fully grasp it), I learned about crystals, I got acupuncture for the first time, I met the most interesting people that would’ve never crossed my path otherwise, I witnessed my first topless protest, and I received guidance from real elders. It was amazing. But when I finally spoke to my ‘family’..they were all in shambles. Everyone thought I had gone mad and honestly speaking…I did.

I had just lost a management position at a job that underpaid and overworked me because after the accident I was no longer able to make the hour drive there and back. That left me restricted to a house that I felt uncomfortable in…with no money. I had done everything everyone told me to do (graduate college, buy a car, start a career) and I still managed to fail. So…I changed my environment. That is the first time I gave my mother the ability to use my ‘diagnosis’ to her advantage and she has been milking it ever since.

Fast forward to present day and I now realize why I was so paranoid about the people around me. Look at how much effort my ‘family’ has put into making me crazy. So…I went back to the chat. On Wednesday I sent pictures of my diary entry and let them know they “f*cked up”. I also said “Speaking about seeing an angel hits different post prophecy.” Because it does. I don’t know how long I have been speaking about my angel sightings but the fact that I have no childhood diaries to reference, when I had so many, is suspicious af. But God looked out for me the night my twin begged for the devil not to take her. He reminded me about the supernatural part of me my ‘family’ had been masking as mental illness. I tried letting the group chat conversation die down but today I started back up to address a trigger attempt from my little sister. (SS’s below). I know I said I prefer to speak to the chat with no input from them but today I lured them in…and they took the bait like I knew they would. The SS’s speak for themselves.

Love,

Choosy

Full Disclosure: My family is crazy.