GangGang
Caution: Extremely long post. I’m going through some things.
These thoughts were triggered by the reminder that I have to remain sane even when my experiences induce the opposite…
It’s time to say more things that will have me looked at as ‘crazy’. This is the part of this project I do my best to avoid…but it’s also the part that showcases bizarre experiences that need to be documented. I already spoke about one of the ongoing surveillance triggers I have been experiencing for a while. Logically speaking…I’m fully aware that I am in eye shot of a camera whenever I step outside of my apartment…we all are. The issue I have with the cameras I’ve spoken about is that they consistently pop up within the buildings I reside in…after I have signed a lease that requires I stay until the end of it to avoid being penalized monetarily.
So my mind assumes the objective is to either get me to feel too uncomfortable to leave my home…or it’s just a way to make me feel uncomfortable. Either way, the unease always takes place where I rest my head. I can look at this from a place of spiritual reasoning and say that the trauma I experienced as a result of never feeling secure in any of the homes I stayed in growing up, is the reason I am now ‘manifesting’ similar discomfort with my present day living spaces. But I’d rather talk about this paranoia. Because this is the part that mental health specialists focus on when they diagnose people like me. And it’s also what gives grounds for those experiencing this type of gangstalking(Google it) to appear psychologically ‘crazy’ as opposed to environmentally aware.
The studio I now reside in has had several paranoia inducing incidents since I’ve been here and a few of them have involved maintenance men. This is a part of the reason I blew up(via email) at the first apartment complex that didn’t extend me an option to renew. The issue that led to my blow up was the entry into my unit without my knowledge…and with no work order request on file. Needless to say, I handled the first incident like a lunatic. Strangely enough I’m being given a ‘do over’ because I am currently experiencing the same exact scenario at the complex I live at now. Surprise surprise. And I feel guided to note that both issues happened after a change in management occurred.
When I first moved here I let the leasing office know that I work from home and would like to be made aware when any of the maintenance crew is coming to my space. I am not in the habit of disclosing my ‘disorder’ right out the gate so I used that excuse as opposed to the truth that my paranoia is heightened when I feel like someone has been in my space without me present. A while ago I started noticing that things in my ‘shoebox’ looked like they weren’t left the way I remembered leaving them. I am known to overthink things so for a while I talked myself down and changed the subject. Until Sunday…when I realized the HVAC door that had previously been unlocked…is now locked.
I know this door was unlocked because I went in there to change my air filter a while ago. I didn’t want to put in a work order because I didn’t want to risk not being home when they came. I am out of my unit a lot more than I used to be now that I pick my niece up (sidenote…I went back to picking her up everyday again) so I went directly to the maintenance room, got the filter from the supervisor, and changed it myself. The thing was completely grey when I took it out because I had stressed that I didn’t want anyone in my unit…so no one changed it. Sunday, I heard a weird noise coming from that closet so I got up to open the door to see what it was. And…the door was locked. To say I had a panic attack is a complete understatement because I went full ‘manic mode’. I emailed the leasing office 4 times, back to back, even though I knew they were closed. It literally took me an hour to calm myself down. All I kept thinking about were the times I talked myself out of the idea that things in here had been moved and that tripled the amount of anxiety I was feeling.
To add context to my panic attack…a couple months ago maintenance knocked on my door while I was home and when I answered they told me they were there about the work order I put in. I told them I didn’t request any work and the supervisor looked at his paper and said “oh, wrong unit”. That is when I started feeling weird because maintenance knocking on my door seems perfectly normal to any neighbor who may hear them announcing themselves in the hall or to anyone who might see them entering/leaving my unit. Because…they are maintenance men. So seeing how easily the ‘mistake’ was made gave me anxiety because if I hadn’t been home they would’ve let themselves in and my neighbor with the state of the art surveillance system, wouldn’t have thought anything of the visit. Waiting for Monday to come around felt like an eternity. I wrote a couple posts to take my mind off of it but when I went to post them…I realized how insanely abrasive I sounded. I literally turn into a different person when I am triggered and I never notice it in the moment.
When Monday came around I sent another email letting them know I was going to leave my laptop recording whenever I leave out now and I requested for a reply since it was well into the afternoon and I hadn’t heard anything back. I ended up finding out the new manager was out but the lady who called and left a voicemail advised she spoke with maintenance and was told they never entered my unit. My paranoia level went from 0 to a million and I couldn’t see straight for a second. I called her back right after I gathered my thoughts and let her know how the story given to her by maintenance was an impossibility because I had just changed out my filter by myself. I told her the only reason I had to go to maintenance for the filter is because the one I bought from Home Depot didn’t fit and I still have a record of that purchase. She sounded really confused and advised she would let the manager know what was going on when he got in on Tuesday. I went back to my email to document everything that was said on the call because I have learned from my past documentless mistakes. And because I realize I have a tendency to emotionally erupt in situations like this I had to be intentional with my politeness.
The manager ended up emailing me Tuesday morning, asking me to call him when I was available. I called and we discussed my options. He was adamant that maintenance hadn’t been in my unit since January but he couldn’t say whether I was home when they came around, at that time, to lock all those doors. I realized I was at a disadvantage because the last time I exploded on leasing office management I wasn’t given an option to renew and I have no idea what position I’ll be in financially when my lease is up. So I decided to let it go. He ended up offering to have maintenance come out to change my locks but my immediate response was that they would still have the keys. He then told me that he would put a note in the system for maintenance to call before entering my unit. A note that should have already been on my account because this was discussed before. Either way, I decided to decline the lock change and focus my mind on how to calm my paranoia. My solution was acceptance. I can only control what I can control and the rest I have to give to God. If I don’t…I will drive myself crazy.
I fully realize I will probably look bat sh*t crazy to whoever reads those panic attack emails…and to whoever reads this post. And to that I can’t really say much. Because I am aware enough to know that all of this sounds delusional to people who don’t have these experiences. But I also have a long history with eventually being proven right. So I’ll stay stuck in the limbo of possibly being labeled mentally imbalanced because it takes time to prove things to others that my intuition shows me. But it could be worse…I could be succumbing to my paranoia and refusing to leave my apartment like I did the first time this happened. So…a win is a win.
*I would get an alarm/camera but the power in this 4 year old building has gone out more times in the last 6 months than in all the years I’ve lived here combined. My paranoia tells me there is no telling whether that would happen when I’m not home so…?. Yes…I know I sound crazy. It is what it is.
Love,
Choosy
