LeanIn
These thoughts were triggered by my decision to ‘lean in’ to accusations made against my emotional state…
I had every intention of posting a review of the songs that have dropped since Friday but after hearing all the allegations…I want to keep my private thoughts private until this plays out. But one thing I took away from ‘the boy’ was the opening line of The Heart Part 6 where a lady sings “Well let me see you prove it.” That line hit different because that is the position my family has come from all these years when I accuse them of what I accuse them of. This stance works for them because I have spoken solely from my intuition and what some consider ‘tainted’ observations. The group chats could be proof that I am right…but they could also prove my family’s actions are a result of them simply growing tired of my antics. Which then led them to give me what I gave them…emotional abuse. So earlier when I heard that line…the thought that crossed my mind was what if my ‘proof’ really does point to the fact that I am ‘bipolar’…and all these years have been a result of one manic episode after another? I haven’t posted the fullness of these group chats for many reasons but the biggest one is because I know I look like a crazed lunatic. I have literally lost my mind in these chats and now I’m wondering if my family has been telling the truth about me.
The post I had scheduled for today will be posted tomorrow. It’s about a situation between my twin and I but I can’t decide whether I need to rewrite it from a different perspective. Because when I look at it from the perspective of a ‘Drake’…I see a level of paranoia that scares me. And because I am the one living my life…I am also aware of all my other paranoid thoughts that I purposefully choose not to disclose on this blog. That left me with a question I still haven’t been able to answer…”Am I really bipolar?” Because if I am, the reactions I have had to my reality makes a lot more sense…and I’m considering reworking the angle that I write this blog from. All this time I have been fighting this uphill battle in an effort to prove to those around me, and to those reading, that I am not who they say I am. So much so that I go out of my way to carry the weight of others in hopes of proving it doesn’t matter how much is put on my plate because I’ll still be able to compartmentalize and handle it accordingly. But.I.Am.Tired.
I’m tired of always looking over my shoulder wondering who my next opponent is. I’m tired of pretending I can handle staying up to/past midnight obsessively writing these words only to have to turn around and wake up at 7 am to make sure I position myself to be able to handle all of my workload for the day…and the load of someone else. I’m tired of being in fear for my sanity every time I leave my house. I’m tired of assuming everyone I meet is sent by some evil force, conjured up by a witch doctor paid for by my twin, to make my life experience equivalent to hell on earth. I’m tired of keeping myself isolated from society as a means to feel ‘safe’. I’m tired of pretending I don’t have analysis paralysis. I’m tired of finding something wrong with every man who approaches me because I feel he will eventually destroy me emotionally. I’m tired of thinking that my family has been conspiring to make me kill myself and/or have me killed. I’m tired of my mood changing with the wind and I’m tired of pretending that it doesn’t. And I’m tired of convincing myself that I am the only one who is right about me.
If I am bipolar…I need to find an avenue to get me the emotional/physical relief I have earned. Because I have spent all these years taking all these psychological hits and pretending I am not as emotionally crippled as I am as a result of them. But I am not as strong as I pretend to be. And if I keep going in this direction…I am willfully walking myself into a mental breakdown. My family has spent 4 years trying to convince me, in their own toxic way, of my mental imbalance. It’s time for me to figure out how I can use this in a way that lightens loads I shouldn’t be carrying…if this is true.
Love,
Choosy
