RoundTrip

These thoughts were triggered by doubling back…

I have a history of focusing on the behavior of others…while ignoring the fact that I behave the same way. It’s a gift. In the moment, I rarely acknowledge what I’m doing because the feeling I get from holding other people accountable is like a high. And I’ve developed the habit of looking into the souls of others…while eagerly anticipating my chance to speak on what I see. Now that I’ve gotten more comfortable looking in my own mirror…I realize I have a state of the art psychological projection system. Because there’s certain personality traits that I see in others…that I don’t like associating myself with. Jealousy, fear, indecisiveness and an oversized ego are things I can easily spot in other people…but that’s only because those things exist in me. I’ve said in a few blogs that me and my hypocrisy “go together…real bad”. (I can still make that joke right?) This hypocrisy allows me to act how I want…while finding offense when someone else shows up as my mirror. So…the only way to balance out the judgments from my last post, is by being uncomfortably honest with myself and admit that I’m not really that scared to date. I’m just scared that I’ll attract my match again.

Yesterday I went on a heavily clouded rant about my fears surrounding dating. And I managed to take accountability for the catfishish role I’ve played in my previous relationships in order to get what I wanted out of those situations. But earlier, while I was walking through my Mother’s Earth, I realized I’m still an active bottom feeder. How? Because I still walk around disguised as someone I’m not…nosey. I’m the only one that knows this when I go out into the wild though, so my 3 second max rule is really a manipulation tactic I use to avoid having to reveal that truth to anyone who judges me by what they see. Because what they see is not what they get. If it isn’t apparent from all the posts I’ve written in the blog up until this point…I have a lot of baggage. When you add my current insecurities to the equation…I’m only capable of booking round trip tickets with the luggage I choose to carry. Because as soon as someone gets to me…I go right back to where I came from to avoid unpacking in their presence. I honestly have no idea how I was able to keep a man for the times I had one because I’ve always been a heavily flawed frequent flyer. And…not much has changed.

I have a skill that allows me to draw people in, just enough to meet whatever emotional need I have in that moment, but as soon as I think I might feel rejection…I walk away. I’ve done it for years at this point and the fear I have for that karma returning to me is intimidating. Because all I’m doing is keeping others close enough for them to fulfill my needs…but far enough for me to slide if I need to. Which is exactly the behavior I used to call out from the people in my past. I can source the reasoning for my behavior and give a bullet point presentation for why I still choose to behave this way. But none of that makes my behavior acceptable. At the root of the insecurities that drive my actions, is my deep seated fear of being abandoned…after I show someone my most vulnerable state. At this point I know I have the ability to heal from the emotional damage that would manifest if that fear came true…but anyone who has had to do the work to heal from a mind altering experience like that isn’t rushing to enlist in active duty again. And since I know, beyond the shadow of any doubt, that I still operate from my insecurities…I know whoever I attract will too. Because it’s impossible to attract who we aren’t. Which is the real reason I’m so “terrified”.

Love,

Choosy