psEYEchosis

These thoughts were triggered by questioning my reality…

I need to feel the outside air when I’m in my apartment. I don’t know what it is…but sitting inside an enclosed space for a long period of time makes me anxious so my window stays open until I go to sleep. Winter time is usually when I’m given no choice but to keep it closed but even then I’ll crack it…most days…and turn my heat up. The only downside are the fruit flies that make their way in sometimes and it used to drive me crazy until I found a way to trap them with fruit in a mason jar. So I’ve been trapping them and letting them back outside at night after I close my window. I’ve never caught anything besides fruit flies in the jar and before today…I didn’t think it was possible to trap anything else. But after text vomiting in the group chat earlier and slamming my phone down…the fly trap on my counter caught my attention because it looked like one of the blueberries was moving. When I looked closer I saw a teenage cockroach making its way off the side of the paper funnel and onto the bottom of the jar. The hole left open at the bottom of the funnel is only big enough for the fruit flies to get through, and too small for them to figure out how to get back out. I’ve been thinking about it all day and I still can’t figure out how a roach that size was able to squeeze through.

I’ve never seen this kind of roach in my unit in the 3+ years I’ve lived here. When I first moved in, there were a few house roaches…but that’s only because they hitch hiked from my previous apartment. And after a couple days…there were none left. Seeing the plus sized version of those was surprising but seeing it inside the jar was…jarring. Hehehe. While I sat there staring at it and wondering how it was able to fit through the hole, the voices in my head told me to take pictures and send it to the group chat. I did and then I told my ‘family’ that this was a forewarning of what’s to come for them. I basically told them they forced their way into my energetic field uninvited and tried eating off of what wasn’t meant for them…and now they’re trapped in a position they can’t get out of…for everyone to see. (The only downside is the fact that they’re trapped inside the glass jar that I’m holding…while I’m standing inside a jar of my own.) My twin, who had been ignoring my texts up until that point, chimed in telling me “Girl stfu and seek help. Nothing you text makes sense to anyone but you.” We went back and forth for a while and during our exchange she said something that caught me off guard. She told me that my interpretation of this sign was “spiritual psychosis”…and for a second it had me questioning my reality.

I’ve always gotten signs from God and my intuition is usually what helps me determine what they mean. Most times I’m right but I’ve misinterpreted what is being shown to me a few times. I started telling my twin about things I thought I was being shown when we were in our 20s. She used to get so annoyed by my words that I decided to stop having these conversations with her. By our early 30’s she found her spiritual side and started talking more about manifestations, chakras, etc. She introduced me to all of this which is why I was so shocked when she painted me out to be a lunatic in the group chat when I first started talking about these things. Before she slipped up and told everyone I’d never be “chosen”, she pretended not to believe in anything spiritual and added ‘gas’ to the fire right below the stake my ‘family’ was trying to burn me at. I called her out for introducing me to my first tarot reader, my first shell reader, crystals, etc…and each time I told the truth…she would deflect and make me look/feel crazy. And she double downed on her deflects by continuously sending this link to a mental health site that explained the type of ‘mania’ she felt I was experiencing.

It wasn’t until recently that I put two and two together and realized that my twin gets so annoyed by the connection I have with God because our connections are different. And now I understand that she needs me to be ‘crazy’ in order for her not to feel like there is something I possess that she doesn’t. Our ‘mother’ pitted us against each other a lot growing up and before I turned on her…I appeared to be her favorite. I honestly feel like this is the real reason my twin is so obsessed with convincing everyone I’m the “looney tune” she labeled me today. But her inability to stop going back and forth with me suggests that she’s the devil in the group. I called this out a while ago and she went silent in the chat…but her muzzle only stayed on for a short period of time. The moment I started speaking on what I felt God was showing me…she went back to barking at my parked car. Today, I ended the conversation by telling her that things will work out in my favor irrespective of how it plays out. Because either I’m experiencing ‘psychosis’ as a result of all the purposeful triggers they’ve gifted me…’chosen’…or both. If I am experiencing the level of psychosis they want me to believe I am..then they have to explain why they refuse to stop inducing my ‘mania’. She stopped responding.

Love,

Choosy