Penning

Caution: Long post…and screenshots filled with astronomical abrasiveness.

There was another trigger today…and this one was easier to deal with after I realized that some of the details suggested that I finally have proof that it was purposely done…

I almost didn’t write anything today because it’s already 9pm and I’ve barely had any sleep since last Friday. But I’m now taking these triggers as motivation to see how far I can push myself…and my pen…while I’m under stress. Yesterday my little sister said she’d be able to pick my niece up from school but earlier my intuition told me to text the random # she’s been using so I could confirm this was true. A couple hours later she responded and asked if I could play pick up. I felt my pressure rising but getting mad was pointless because the end result was still going to be the same. So I finished my work and went to get CC. I text that number back, around 5 o’clock, to find out where I was supposed to be dropping my niece off and when I sent the text…I saw that I’d been blocked. I went straight to the group chat and by the end of my performance…I realized this trigger was set up by the Sanderson sisters. (SSs below)

I don’t know if these rituals are increasing because Halloween is coming up but something is different. I don’t remember the last couple years being this bad and the days in between these triggers keeps decreasing. The car ride back to my house was silent because I know my niece could feel my energy. I noticed she wore the same uniform she had on yesterday and when I started asking her if my little sister still had their stuff (that she told me was stolen by the rogue Uber driver), my niece said no so I went back to the chat to express my frustration. Moving and losing all of our belongings is another generational curse that was passed down from my BM. When I was younger my mother would regularly get put out of places…put all our belongings in storage…and never pay the bill. Which means we have nothing to remind us of our childhood. A few pictures pop up every blue moon but there’s nothing else outside of that. So when I realized my niece is now having to relive the same trauma…I had to remain silent because I was literally holding back tears. If I would’ve tried to string a sentence together…the cracks in my voice would’ve given my fragility away so I just let music talk instead. My niece ended up falling asleep and I took that time to do breathing exercises because that always helps me calm down.

When we got to the house my twin text, offering to keep my niece for a while if my little sister would allow it but she specified that the offer was only for my niece. Which was an offerless offer because she knows my little sister would never sign off on that arrangement. I took my time throwing out insults because…it helped reduce the stress I was feeling and in the middle of that conversation my little sister text me from another random#. She told me to drop my niece off to the same place I took her yesterday and when I told my niece she started smiling from ear to ear. We ended up stopping by Target to get her some more uniforms and while we were there my little sister text me telling me to drop my niece to my twin instead. My whole body got hot because I knew I was going to have to tell my niece the plans changed and when I did…she gave me the reaction I knew she would. Tears. We talked about how it will only be for the night and tomorrow everything will be back to normal and she calmed down. I told her that what’s happening is for the adults to figure out and that her only job is to have fun because she’s just a kid. After getting her a toy, her energy shifted and she was ready to go to my twin’s house. The worst part of all of this is…as much as I know my energy is intentionally being f*cked with…hers is too by default. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Love,

Choosy

*I was going to write about how this trigger attempt unraveled but the screenshots tell the story.

**I ended up telling the chat to “check my blog” because over the weekend I did my Yoga while my niece was here and when I started to do one of the poses she came up and asked “is that the Crow pose?” I sat there wondering how tf she knew about it and my first thought went to the time I let her and my little sister stay with me. That was during my second attempt at doing this blog and I had my Instagram pulled up on my phone. My little sister ended up telling me something was wrong with her phone so the whole time she was here she used mine. A couple months later I noticed the text thread that my mother told me I had accomplished “nothing” in was missing but I didn’t freak out because I was making daily voice notes, detailing everything that was happening, so I still have proof it happened. When my niece asked about the pose I figured my little sister had seen my Instagram that has a link to my blog on it. So my guess is…they’ve been reading it this whole time.