Disrespectfully
This is ‘hella’ awkward…
So…I think we can all agree that yesterday was a lot. I would feel remorse but…I did what I did and said what I said. And now…I’m sitting back waiting to see what the consequences for my actions will be because I know it’s coming. I know I said I feel like my job is to teach others how to be students and I still feel like that’s true. Because I’m showing what being a student actually looks like. I honestly don’t know how I’m ever going to graduate because I don’t want to learn how not to disrespectfully call out abusive parenting/personing. The fact that I’m not a parent…and barely a good person…means nothing to me? Of course not babes. The highest level of disrespect to me is a parent who has the audacity to ignore the effect their toxic behavior has on the children they forced into this world. That, to me, is the stamp of a coward and I get pleasure from serving double shots of disrespect to people like this because they’ve usually never received a taste of themselves. And no matter the gender…gas’oline is always their chaser.
My BM is Queen G and yesterday I was reminded how far she’ll go to pay me back for exposing her behavior. In the text my little sister sent…explaining the logic behind her behavior…she said “mama thought it was a great idea”. Which let me know that my ‘mother’ was the one that set this trigger up. So the same woman who convinced the family that I was too mentally unstable to start the counseling conversation…is the same one who recommended my niece be left in my care for 3 days. It’s crazy because she doesn’t even realize she set me up to win either way this situation plays out. Because she’s either purposely triggering a ‘bipolar’ person…or I’m not really bipolar and she’s just bothered that I’m able to see through her. I know it’s door #2 but I enjoy playing up the ‘disorderly’ role I was given. I feel like the real issue is the fact that I maintain my wits through all my crash outs…which makes her, and people like her, look like they’re losing a mental game to a ‘bipolar’ person. And all the effort being put into having me crash out…now has everyone looking like crash dummies. My my my.
Earlier today, when I went back to the school to pick my niece up, I started going through the group chats from 2021. I found a long text where I spoke about my little sister needing the help from my ‘mother’ that I didn’t get because I could see where the absence of it would lead. (SS below) My twin stopped the conversation, as usual, and rereading her words reminded me why I treat her the way I do. My BM and twin are both Grade A Gassers and at this point it feels like they’re committed to ensuring the trauma keeps being passed down. It’s like they have to do everything in their power to prevent me from being the one to start the conversation of healing and instead of them starting it…they go quiet or start gas’ing everybody. With no regard for the fact that these kids are the ones who will have to carry the weight of what we leave unhealed. I’ll never respect people like this and my exposè from yesterday was a reflection of that. I already know there are things about me that others don’t respect and I can stand on my own behavior. But today…I’m focused on those who won’t focus on the emotional well being of their kids...but have all the time in the world to fixate on little ol’ me.
Love,
Choosy
