Opp-ioid
Baby steps…
I forget all about my social anxiety when I signed my niece up for her after school activity because my thoughts were focused on how much she’ll benefit from the experience. I can say that my panic attacks are getting bett…no I can’t…I was about to lie…my panic still attacks me. Because wherever I go…it always feels like every set of eyeballs are on me and that makes me uncomfortably uncomfortable. Why don’t I turn down my main character energy so I won’t have this issue? Ew. I’ve tried everything to get rid of my anxiety, including hypnosis. But the only time it disappears is when I focus all my attention on calming my energy in the moment. The amount of energy that takes always leaves me feeling exhausted so I only acknowledge that I know how to control it when I really need to. Wouldn’t it make more sense to focus my attention on strengthening that muscle instead of complaining about its weakness? I’m confused on why you’re screaming at me.
Missing one of my nieces performances is never an option…unless I’m not told about it. So when she had one a couple days ago…I played my role. I saw my twin come in but there was no expectation of acknowledgement on either side. I saw my BM when it was over and the smile she was wearing reinforced my hatred for how easily she pretends like nothing is or has ever happened between us. After the performance everyone came over to where my niece and I were to tell her how good she did. I completely ignored my womb donor but I didn’t really have a choice on speaking to my twin because my niece’s things were still in my car. When I went to tell her I needed to go get it…the look she gave me felt like hatred. And…I felt nothing. I’ve never had any reason to feel a way towards her…even with her opp-ioid addiction to trying to extract envy out of me. Outside of that…I’m ok pretending none of them exist when we see each other. After sitting through her glare…I took the part of my good mood that wasn’t stolen by my anxiety…and went about my business.
Since that day…my older brother sent another random Trump pic…and my twin has been trying to get a reaction out of me too. I ignored my brother and was expecting this behavior from my twin because this has always been her response to me whenever I show up unbothered. How bad her attitude is…is always my gauge for how good my energy is so…it must’ve been amazing. Today was the most uncomfortably obvious attempt of her trying to shift my energy because after telling her I had too much work to pick my niece up…and asking if she could instead…she told me “I don’t have time for your weak a** manipulation tactic”. I replied “ok”. Then after I dropped my niece off…she told me not to do my niece’s homework with her if I wasn’t going to look over it. Which would’ve made sense if I wasn’t once again trying to do my day job…while having my niece do her homework so she wouldn’t have to do it when she got to my twin’s house…since I knew I was going to have to drop her off late because…I had so much f*cking work to do. This is a trigger that she got me to explode off of not too long ago so I’m assuming she thought she’d finally get the reaction she’s been trying to get. But…I replied “ok” again and moved around her botheredness because…I’m not.
Love,
Choosy
