HighMaintenance

My peace is…expensive…

I was watching Arlette’s Pop The Balloon earlier and one of the guys on this episode asked a question that had me deep in my thoughts for about 15 minutes. “Are you high maintenance?” I remember hearing that phrase and trying so hard to be that kind of girl when I was younger. My step sister was ‘that girl’…and she made it look fun. She was always in the beauty aisle of any store we went in…her hair/nails were always done, and my step mom made sure she always had whatever clothes/shoes everyone else was wearing. To me…that’s what it looked like to be ‘cool’ and I wanted to be just like her. Unfortunately…we had different moms. So I never got that experience and when I grew into adulthood…I found out how expensive that lifestyle is to maintain so I settled for my budget friendly girly tomboy aesthetic…learned to do my own hair…and am in an on/off relationship with acrylic nails that are always too long to do anything with. That’s been me for as long as I can remember and…it’s not ‘broke’. When I considered those things while asking myself his question…from a superficial level my answer is ‘no’. But when I consider how much spiritual maintenance goes into keeping me sane…that term is an understatement.

I don’t think I could ever explain in a way that would make sense to anyone but me…how much work I’ve had to put into my spiritual practices in order to stay grounded enough not to be admitted into a psych ward. Because I get triggered multiple times a day and there hasn’t been a day in over 20 years that this hasn’t happened. It’s only been the last few years that I was introduced to spiritual practices like Yoga and meditation…and spiritual tools like Palo Santo, Florida Water, sage, etc. When I was growing up…all I was given was a Book that I didn’t have a good understanding of and insanely long sitting sessions through sermons that gave me anxiety. I knew that if I did something I wasn’t supposed to…I could ask for forgiveness and forget that I ever did what I did…because it was washed away after I ‘repented’. Which was my green light to do whatever I wanted because…everyone else was. Investing in my spirituality is the only reason I started holding myself accountable because the ‘holy hypocrites’ I grew up under never had to learn the real meaning of that word. So they couldn’t show me what it looked like.

Now…I meditate on a daily basis for at least 20 minutes and I’ve gotten to the point where my energy doesn’t feel right if I don’t do it. I drink my water and mind…other people’s business. I do Yoga at least 3 times a week because I’m agitated, more than my current hair trigger agitation, if I don’t. I cleanse the energy in my apartment on a daily basis and I’m never not wearing metals/crystals because…they were made by God. I speak life into me while looking in my eyes every morning and I do my shadow work. Full Disclosure: Even with all that…I still have to talk myself out of panic attacks every time I go in a public setting because…I’m never not maintaining myself. Every second…of every minute…of every hour…of every day is spent with me focusing on the maintenance of my energy…even when I’m not focused. It literally takes everything in me to maintain my mental space in a way that gets me from one day to the next…and every day I learn a new way to cope with my reality. And…I wouldn’t want it to be any other way because this is the kind of maintenance that has me focused on what God focuses on. My spirit.

Love,

Choosy