OffWithTheir…
The ending…I cut everyone off.
The beginning…
I have a long history of receiving exactly what I ask for from God..and then complaining when it looks nothing like what I thought I was asking for. This…happens…every…time. So there’s no surprise that when I prayed and asked for my ‘Dad’ to help me cut the cord that attaches me to my ‘family’…His answer was to replace the presence I had in my niece’s life…with what she currently needs. I have to start out by being completely transparent…my niece has been my only friend for at least 5 years. There was one time early in the group chat when my twin called me out for this being my truth and I fought the allegations with all my pride. I wasn’t ready to accept that truth at the time so I pretended it was a lie. And now that God is creating an avenue for me to take a step back from one of my most ‘favoritess’ people in this world…I see that we only needed each other for a reason…and the season…that God saw fit.
There was another ‘ritual’ performed by the Sandersons the day of the full (super) moon and it allowed me to pick my niece up from school. I picked her up fully expecting for her to come to the car uncomfortably happy to see me after a week without communication but this child hopped in the car…comfortably unbothered…and loudly silent. I was literally questioning if she even noticed she hadn’t talked to me in so long. But after waiting the extra 45 seconds for all the other little girls to hug her and allow her to get into the car…I realized that it was just my job to play a part in showing her how friendship is supposed to look. Now…she’s formed her own friend circle. Honestly speaking, this transition has perfect timing because I’m an avid over-thinker and she is now at an age where she needs the kind of reinforcement that my little sister gives. I fully accept at this point that I’m the confidence giver…but my little sister is the confidence maintainer. And my obsession with over analyzing could reverse all the work that was put into our daily ride shares last school year. So once I took my needs out of the equation…I understood that forcing my little sister to stand on her own two really is the best option for all.
On the ride to drop my niece off on Monday, we had a brief conversation about what was about to happen and her words told me she understood…but her refusal to hold my hand when we crossed the street to walk into the restaurant she chose for dinner had me wondering if I was making the wrong decision. While waiting on her food she came around and said something that let me know she was okay so when I dropped her off…I blocked everyone. Including her iPad that my little sister has been texting me from. I sent a melodramatic text (SS below), letting the group know what was happening and I came home in tears…and in satisfaction…for my decision. The next day my little sister called me from an unknown number and when I didn’t answer she text me from an email asking me to pick my niece up again. I told her “no”, she said “good” and I blocked her. But after God got in my ear later that night…I dropped off the money I had initially told her I was going to keep for my niece.
Monday I told my niece it was probably going to be a little minute before we saw each other again, so I knew she wasn’t expecting to see me when I popped up unannounced yesterday. And when she came out to get the coins, she was on a 3 or 4 way FaceTime call with her oTHeR fRIeNDs. She came to the car as unbothered as ever, making jokes like she always does. And in that moment…I had to own my delusions of grandeur. I’ve been under the false impression that things will fall apart without my presence…when God knew that my absence is exactly what would help things come together. The training wheels are officially off, for all of us, and blocking my little sister’s ability to fall back into old habits will help keep it that way. I can’t imagine how I’d act if I had my own kids because this is torture!! But…it feels good at the same time.
Full Disclosure: I’m still going to ask to get my niece so we can keep our standing pedicure dates. The thought of her toes not being done would push me over the edge.
Love,
Choosy
