NoShow

Caution: Victim mentality on 1,000.

Trying not to freak out…while freaking out…

I’m not sure what’s happening with my world wide web accounts but something’s off. Towards the middle of May I noticed that none of my posts on Instagram were being posted. I don’t know what made me click on one of my previous posts but when I did all it said was “No comment”. When I looked back through all of the posts up until that point, only about 40% showed the excerpts I copy and paste so I spent a couple hours going back in and reposting. The weird part is the ‘no shows’ started off sporadic and then slowly graduated into every single post not being shown but I didn’t catch on because the pictures were still showing up. I reposted and just chalked it up to the site thinking I must be a robot since the only time I’m on it is to post portions of my blogs. Whatever the reason, I now make sure I click on every post I post to make sure it’s showing. There’s only been 2 times when it didn’t show since then and I just had to repost until it did.

Earlier today I was looking around at the site that hosts my blog. I was honestly just clicking around trying to learn more about how it works and ended up clicking on a tab that shows keywords searched on Google. This is where the keywords at the bottom of all my blog posts come into play that are meant to help drive traffic to my site. But…this tab said that my account had been deactivated from Google and it gave me the option to reactivate it. I click a button every time I schedule a blog to post, that gives me the option to push my content to Google console but if my Google account was deactivated…that means none of my posts were pushed. I sat in a state of deep annoyance and genuine confusion about the amount of time it’s been deactivated. I spent about an hour disabling/saving and then enabling/saving the button on each post after reactivating my Google account but I had to take a break to write this. Because if I don’t…I would more than likely act out of anger and make another excuse to do away with this ‘project’…for the 3rd time.

Today is the first official day that I have every one blocked and that was already weighing on my emotional state because I haven’t learned how to fully function without my trauma bonds yet. But finding out that the ‘project’ meant to get my trauma bonded story out there…isn’t even getting my story out there…is adding on an extra level of defeat. I can’t stress enough how glad I am that this is the last blog that will be posted this week because I need a break. I didn’t even feel like writing today but after I saw something that triggered my inner conspiracy theorist…I decided to document what I’m feeling. I’ve had a headache for a few hours, I’ve had to stop myself from crying a few times today, and I’m muh fuhk** tied. I know I’m supposed to be finding the good in these situations but I don’t feel like it right now. So I say all that to say…I’m about to go elevate my mind so I can numb myself from feeling what I don’t want to feel.

Edit: God just sent me some much needed motivation via a YouTube recommended interview…from a comedian whose crowd work I’ve been obsessed with the last few months. My attitude has been adjusted but this post was already written sooooo…

Love,

Choosy