DayDate
These thoughts were triggered by my hopes that art will imitate life…
Today I pretended I’m happy still being single and unnaturally did the things these kinds of people do naturally…I took myself on a solo Day Date. Complete isolation has now heightened my codependent cravings for a new connection so I curbed it by sitting in a theater with 4 other solo seated spectators. I usually just end up buying another plant when I’m overwhelmed with my aloneness but the only windowsill I have is overflowing with foliage and the lighting throughout the rest of my ‘shoebox’ isn’t conducive to indoor plants. So this time, I numbed my loner loneliness with dinner and a movie. The food I ate reintroduced back into my body…all the calories I lost this week. But the taste disguised all the guilt that tried its hardest to ruin my experience. I ended up going to see Blink Twice and I’m glad I picked that one because Zoë Kravitz’s directorial debut kept me in a psychological trance the whole movie. I barely watched the trailer because after I heard the word ‘sacrifice’…I was sold…a ticket…to see the movie. And when my mouth finally closed after being introduced to the plot midway through…I thanked myself for caring enough about me to get out of the house to enjoy the experience I was experiencing.
I feel like the only thing I was shocked by more than the recalled memories of the main characters…was the fact that a generously melanated woman was cast as the lead…who didn’t have the stereotypical leading lady look. She represents the kind of women society tends to overlook and seeing her in the all white outfits made my toes curl…”Press play”. There was more than one plot, IMO, but my focus went to the one that focused on the fact that some humans willfully dissociate from the truth of the unhealed spirit we possess…just so we can peacefully traumatize others. This premise tapped on the glass I’m now trying to keep my heart behind until it cracked and…I felt all the things. If emotional trauma was substituted in for all the ‘freak off’ festivities that was written into the script…this movie would have mirrored my life story. Because I’ve been repeating the same trauma year after year, while my psyche patiently waits for my psycho switch to finally flip…so that I can change this pattern too.
Unfortunately for me…my trauma is the most loyal companion I’ve ever had in life because it refuses to allow me to exist in this world without it. I’ve tried to numb its presence byway of God’s Botanical Garden, I’ve tried playing mental make believe by pretending it doesn’t exist, and I’ve even tried projecting it onto others so I could freely condemn someone other than myself for being in possession of it. But at the end of the day…we wake up and go to sleep together. At this point in my life I accept that we’re bonded for life..I just want to get to the part of my journey where it no longer feels like I’m sacrificing my sanity...in order to feel comfortable being in its presence. Because as it stands now…I, just like Frida, am literally blacking out from one traumatizing experience and going into the next identical experience like it’s brand new. I thought I was doing a good job at ‘unpacking’ my emotional state but the fact that I’ve been reliving the same year for 23 years…says differently. I have so much more work to do on myself and I really hope my decision to disconnect from my trauma source makes the difference. So fingers crossed on the ending of my story mirroring the movie’s ending. Where those who have committed themselves to having me rinse and repeat my trauma…are sedated by the truth that comes with the version of myself that I turn into…when I finally overcome them.
Love,
Choosy
