Extinguished
These thoughts were triggered by my attempt to think ahead…
I had a spa day with my niece today. Very necessary…and having almost nothing to do with my isolation suffocation. “Honestly…truly”. This day also came with the opportunity for me to react illogically…but I avoided that reaction so I won’t waste too much time on it. The plan was to get my niece just for the pedi party but that turned into me choosing to keep her for a few hours as opposed to dropping her off with her grandmother like I was told I could do. After declining, I was told she would be picked up by 10 but she was picked up after 12…am. I could’ve watched my niece overnight but she asked me if she was going to be able to go back with her ‘mommy’…which has now become her cue to let me know she doesn’t want to spend the night. When she first started doing this my feelings were hurt because I took her preference of being with her life giver personally. But after I started taking into consideration what she is telling me she needs…I detached from my need to feel overly important. My ego hasn’t allowed me to admit this to my little sister though…so now when I tell her I’m not babysitting overnight…she thinks I’m being spiteful. My pride is unfazed.
After realizing my little sister found another plausible way to deny her attempt at triggering me…using the same time theft method she’s been using for years…I refused to give her the reaction I felt she was looking for. I waited her out, sent my niece off with love, took a picture of the next door blinds that are still open and went back in my space anticipating waking up to walk through nature in a handful of hours. While walking my favorite trail, I came up on a conversation at the exact moment I needed to hear what I heard. Which was…“you gotta play the long game”. When I heard these words I felt like my Mother (Nature) was sending me the guidance she knew I needed because last night was a struggle. My reaction…was not to have a reaction but I haven’t gotten to the point where I can do this without utilizing my block feature. So I had to (re)block my sister as soon as I walked away from the car to help curb my desire to lash her with my tongue.
I know the phrase I heard is a golf reference, which I still know nothing about, but judging from the context I’ve heard this phrase said in…I’m assuming the lesson is for me to govern my present actions according to my future desires. I want the continued ability to get my niece for these spa days in the future and I know I make it easier for my little sister to say no when I give her the reaction she’s looking for. So even though I struggled a little last night…my ability to regain my self-control will hopefully create positive ripple effects for my future self. Instead of falling into the same trigger that would have given me the worthless satisfaction of calling my sister out for a behavior that is purposefully being displayed…I got to walk away with the dignity that comes from pulling my own strings. And I save myself the guilt that comes from adding more fuel to a familial fire that is currently burning down the ‘families’ foundation…that these kids will eventually be forced to rebuild because the aDuLTs can’t be bothered.
Love,
Choosy
