Awkward

These thoughts were triggered by another reality check…

I have a heightened sense of self…and an even bigger ego. I want to explain that sentence away but I can’t. I’ve noticed these traits a few times over the years but never enough for it to humble me to the extent they did today.

A while ago I told myself I wasn’t going to check my analytics until the 9th month mark of me committing to this ‘project’. I’m looking at this project as my brainchild and I forced myself to commit to this pregnancy…since none of the others made it. Throughout this time I’ve had an unwavering belief that tens of tens of people were reading my words and I was patiently waiting to see how many people liked my writing. A few weeks ago I allowed doubt to enter and I started questioning my confidence. I had the brief thought that I hope no one is reading this because that would mean people will have a chance to form judgements about me like I’ve been forming about my ‘family’. After I sat in a victim trance…I pushed that thought out and didn’t revisit it until today…when I looked at my analytics. Turns out…this baby that I thought was growing…is attached to a placebo placenta.

I can’t even bring myself to acknowledge how low the visits to this site have been because…the sh*t is embarrassing. The only thing more embarrassing than that is the fact that only 1% of the people who read my ‘About’ page this month…took the time to go over to the actual blog. And I think that person left! My face is fully in my palm. I can’t stress enough how confident I was that I was about to have a reason to go to the group chat and brag about my accomplishments to the people who have been telling me my mind isn’t as balanced as it should be. And come to find out…I am a little off. Because I didn’t see this coming at all. When I saw the numbers…my ego dropped to my stomach and it felt like it took the wind out of me. I honestly have never felt more unjustly arrogant in my life. I tried to continue my workday…pretending I wasn’t just slapped by humility…but the bruise kept catching my attention.

All this time, my motivation to keep this commitment came from the validation I thought I would feel when I saw evidence that people actually want to hear my story. The absence of eyeballs makes me feel like I lied to myself when I said God called me to do this. Because He doesn’t send people on dummy missions. Then I started looking at when my numbers jump and when they decline and noticed that the declines take place when I start leaning more into my ego…which makes me the dummy that God sent on a mission. This whole time I was thinking that this blog was meant to expose my ‘family’ to the world…and I’ve been so committed to showing their faults that I didn’t realize my need to air them out would serve as my own ventilation. And the waft coming from my words clearly isn’t likeable…which is a feeling I wish I could say was new. So now I have to try to conceive again…from a source that isn’t so attached to focusing on all the shortcomings of those around me. Which was honestly my intention when I first started…but what was still in me came out so God could show me that I’m standing in the same grave I keep trying to dig for my bloodline. This…is…awwwwkward.

Love,

Choosy