ManicMouth

I think I might be manic…

My mANiC mouth talked me into purging my emotions on FB. And now I’m realizing I have an addiction to saying whatever comes to my mind…and then sitting around waiting to see what happens next. But…nothings happening. I’ve now been talking like a light weight lunatic on FB for 9 straight days…and everyone is treating my antics like it’s normal. Is this my norm? I can’t confirm or deny that. Yesterday the guilt that usually comes when I know I’ve said too much…came. So I went on FB and made my dramatic exit. My intention was to air out the trauma currently being passed down to my niece…but the way I’m going about it could traumatize her when she gets older. This thought had me make a long post detailing how I feel like nothing I say will change this situation because they see me crashing out…and still won’t speak out against the purposeful triggers that keep leading me to this point.

This morning I reneged on my exit because I woke up annoyed after realizing it doesn’t matter what angle I come from…no one thinks this conversation is worth having. And all this tells me is that the same behavior will go unchecked if it’s ever directed at my nieces, nephews and second cousins. The time I’ve spent with all of them showed me who’s who so I already know who the empaths are. They’ll be the ones that will be affected the most by my ‘family’ looking the other way on this topic because they’re the ones that feel the most. I honestly thought my antics on FB were going to shame the silent onlookers in the group chat into speaking up…but the most I’ve gotten is one of my cousin aunts, who is well into her 50’s, liking a post where I mentioned her threatening to fight me. (I get that a lot.) After she liked that post I made another one breaking down why I feel like she’s still a “grown child”…at her big age. She’s been silent ever since. That post helped me feel good in that moment, but the fact that I still have a ‘family’ full of women with her mindset irritates my soul. Because the souls they forced to become their children will grow up in the same kind of toxic emotional environment that I did.

I had no plan when I decided to go to FB with my frustration…even though I lied and told the chat I did. Truthfully speaking, my decision was completely based on my raw emotions from their latest ritualistic trigger. The only positive that has come out of my decision so far is the safety net I’ve created now that they know I’ll be posting any ritual they attempt to do in the future. That only takes care of me though and my intention was to shame them into starting a conversation about these kids. Starting this conversation costs them nothing and if we put our money together…we could pay a professional to come in and show us what we aren’t seeing so that these kids don’t have to grow up emotionally blind. But I come from a bloodline that would rather pretend the only problem we have…is the ‘psycho’ who refuses to stop telling them there’s a problem. I hate these f*cking people…and I’ll probably post on FB everyday until someone breaks their silence. My posts may not ever get them to say something…but if I stop I won’t know what my persistence has the potential to produce. Is this bipolar logic? I’m too mANiC to care atp.

Love,

Choosy