HoodieSzn
The way I switch up should be studied…
I went to bed fully expecting to wake up with the desire to carefully talk recklessly on FB at some point today. I’m used to feeling one way in any given moment and then feeling a completely different way the next…so when I woke up in a good mood with no desire to say anything on socials…I wasn’t surprised. This was the first good mood I’ve woken up with in at least a week and I still don’t know where it came from. I talk to the ‘voices in my head’ often and this morning I laughed while asking them what world they sent me to because this sh*t keeps getting weirder. The last few years have been filled with weirdness and a memory of one of the weirdest triggers the ‘aunties’ tried to pull came up in my mind a few days ago. I spoke about the Zoom call they wanted to do in my Detail post from April and after rereading it…I made a post on FB talking about how far they were willing to go in order to avoid going to therapy. When the suggestion for the call was initially given I blacked out…because I couldn’t control my emotions. And…nothing has changed.
That day I spilled some tea after telling them exactly what I thought of their idea. They ended up having the call without me…and without half the people who were invited because my siblings and cousins didn’t join in to massage their oversized egos either. I almost hate to be that girl that gases herself unnecessarily but…they wanted me there because I give the best compliments. I’ve said before that I study people. So when I tell them what I like about who they are…I speak straight to the soul I see. But…no one ever wants to see the other side of that coin. The confidence builder is who I was to them before I started calling out the bad that I saw…and everyone’s ego wants me to go back to who I used to be. When they couldn’t pull that version back out of me…their tone changed. I felt a way for a while until I started to understand the type of people I was dealing with. We were all raised by fathers who were emotionally unavailable to some extent…and by mothers who still can’t say the word nurture without dry heaving. I don’t know where my ability to speak life came from…but I mastered it by the time I got to high school and they all benefited from my ability at some point.
My decision to switch my approach…almost overnight…caught everyone off guard but it helped me figure out the kind of effect I have on people. I feel like these last few years that I spent living up to my ‘diagnosis’ was my way of taking back all the kind words I’d ever given them…and I replaced those words with uncomfortable truths. Posting on FB was my way of showing the rest of the ‘family’ why that switch happened, by giving them evidence of who I’ve been dealing with in real time. But I blacked out during my presentation…while knowing I was supposed to be speaking from my light. Again?! Mmmhmm. When I look at what I did…I clearly see the path of destruction that I left behind me because I turn into the Tasmanian Devil when I get in that mode. I already know it’s going to be a wild winter because I just repeated the same mistake I always make when I allow myself to match low vibrational energy. So I’ll be going to sleep and waking up in my favorite hoodie because I feel like that lick back of karma is about to be cold as a…witch.
Love…
Confession: I have to own my current mistakes…even if I have the potential to repeat them again in the future. It’s 10:30pm and I don’t feel like rewriting this but…I just posted on FB. My guilt whispered in my ear and told me to explain what this latest test means spiritually because even though most of my ‘family’ claims to believe in God…that belief doesn’t extend to Spirituality. So I summarized the fact that I just failed another test…and advised that I’ll get another chance to take it because these demons need to feed off my energy every moon cycle. I said it nicer than that though because…I’m back to playing ‘sane’.
Love,
Choosy
