Loc’dIn
These thoughts were triggered by running into my authentic self…
I’ve been thinking about discontinuing my love affair with weave for a while now. I don’t know what it is but every time I go into a beauty supply store now…I feel like I’m about to shop for a costume and…ion like det. A few years ago I had the same thoughts but I didn’t act on them because I convinced myself I was ok with my extensions as long as the hairstyles I wore couldn’t comfortably be worn by other cultures. I went to a Spiritualist in my early 30’s who told me never to wear human hair because of the energy it carries so I’ve never been into bundles…but box braids had my heart. I work out too much to have my hair naked because I’m natural…so protective styles have worked for me. I honestly never thought there would come a day when I made the intentional decision to show up in the world without any additives but…here we are. The gemini in me needs to feel like I have the option of having options so it’s usually hard for me to fully commit to one thing. So last month when I got the idea to loc my hair…all I could think about was the ball and chain I’d be placing around my crown.
This journey to loving who I am…as is…has been insane. But a couple months ago I watched a YT video of an elderly woman giving advice on self-love that quieted some of the chaos. She recommended saying ‘I love you’ in the mirror…preferably first thing in the morning…everyday…while looking directly at yourself in the eyes. I started the same day. I love on myself a lot more than I used to but it was weird how uncomfortable I felt saying those words in the mirror the first couple days. The lady said to allow yourself to feel whatever comes up because that’s the biggest indicator of what needs to be worked on. The discomfort I felt has me thinking I need to work on feeling real intimacy. The face I wake up with and the face that comes after doing my skincare ritual are two different people. So my discomfort also let me know that I’m still requiring for me to look a certain way in order for me to feel comfortable being lovey dovey. Which makes sense because my BM always put emphasis on my appearance. The woman in the video also suggested asking yourself “what can I do to make you happy today?” After a few weeks of following her directives…the thought to loc my hair inserted itself in my mind’s eye.
The loc’ing process took me 3 days! because I didn’t know what I was doing. But I haven’t let anyone else do my hair for at least 20 years so…I figured it out. I didn’t do traditional locs because that’s not my personality and I’m glad I let my intuition guide me because…I’m in love with the outcome. I’m starting to realize I was becoming too reliant on the compliments I used to get for showing up as someone other than my authentic self and that kept me tied to my extensions. It’s crazy because I was really just being complimented on my ability to pretend I was someone I wasn’t. That doesn’t excite me like it used to. Subconsciously, I knew I needed to “take off the foo-foo” but admitting that would’ve required me to make a change that I didn’t think I was ready for. After asking myself what I could do to make me happy…my self told me exactly what she wanted and I’m glad I listened. It’s probably going to take a while for my hair to loc but I’m enjoying the process that has me becoming more of myself. Learning how to love me, without any filters, has been one of the hardest things for me to do…but right now…this love is bulletproof.
Love,
Choosy
