Frozen

Frozen by Lil Baby has been on repeat all day because…it’s that time of the month…

I almost relapsed and shot up the group chat today but…I know the full moon is tomorrow so I kept the ‘smack’ talk to myself. I really wish I could pretend I’m fairy telling this story about my ‘family’ f*cking with my energy every moon cycle because saying that truth out loud, without context, sounds crazy asf. Adding in all the context that I have makes it sound even crazier so…this m’ah f’er is a lose lose. My alarm woke me up at 7 this morning and two seconds after that I got a text from my little sister…asking me to give her money for a rental car. I didn’t even read the novel she sent me, explaining everything but why out of all the people in this weird a** family…she chose to ask the resident biPOlaR. Because after I saw the amount she was asking for…my fingers started moving on their own. I was in the middle of texting all the reckless thoughts that have been building up in my mind since I decided to stop calling her behavior out and when I went to send it…I heard my intuition scream that I’d regret my words. So I deleted the toxicity and wrote the watered down version instead. (SS below: Leaving out most of her words because while trying to guilt trip me into doing what she wanted…she spoke on a lot of things pertaining to my niece.)

I had already made my mind up that I was going to get my niece for a little while today because she’s been out of school. My little sister still has a habit of only allowing me to see my niece when she needs me to and when she doesn’t need me…she pretends I don’t exist. Monday I got the feeling that she was back on her bull sh*t. My niece had a dental appointment and after getting the details about the visit from my sister via text…I didn’t push too hard to talk directly to my niece because I felt the energy. So I kept the exchange light hearted because I knew I was going to try to get my niece today and past experiences have taught me that pretending I’m not pressed to talk to her is the best way to make sure I eventually get to see her. After telling my little sister I wasn’t going to fund her...I waited a little while before texting to see if she blocked me. I ended up asking if I could get my niece and the text showed delivered. A couple hours later she replied “yes”.

I should’ve known agitation was going to be attached to her answer because a little while later she asked me if my niece could spend the night. It was at that moment…that we started going back and forth. I didn’t do too much because I knew she was going to use any reason she could to renege on her decision. Telling her “Parents do what they have to. Aunts do what they want.”…in response to her gaslighting attempts…validated the victim voucher she was waiting to use. She ended up blocking me and I didn’t even blink twice because I already knew what the play was. She comes in and says something irrational…in order to get an erratically irrational reaction out of me. If she can’t get that…she blocks me. Blocking me usually makes me feel like I’m not being heard which takes me straight to the chat to rant to the group of goofies who also have no intention of letting me know they hear me. I’ve literally been falling for the same bait and switch ritual for 4 years and right now I don’t have the energy. I had a few times throughout the day when I asked myself why I didn’t just help her but after I realized that someone who is actively trying to take advantage of me…will always go out of their way to make me feel like I’m not doing enough…I “let it go”.

Full Disclosure: These hoes are witches.

Love,

Choosy