I’mDependent
These thoughts were triggered by feeling helpless…
Most strong, independent women…who claim not to need a man…irk me. I tried to be a part of the ‘He Man Hater’ club, that women like this are usually lifelong members of, a while ago but when I figured out I was just compensating for the strong sense of rejection I felt…I denounced all affiliations. Having my heart broken turned me into the kind of “skrong black womens” I saw my BM(biological mother) pretending to be for most of my life. Her favorite line of reasoning for why she didn’t have a man’s help was “I refuse to settle.” Which is a diabolical statement for a woman who still can’t fully look herself in the mirror. So instead of facing the reality that what she wants isn’t what she qualifies for…she chose to do life alone while pretending she’s actually happy living like this. Which is the example her mother set for her. The way my mouth is set up…I don’t know who I’ll have the pleasure of willingly sEtTLiNg for. And the way I said a prayer to God today…asking Him to show me how to heal what I need to heal, in order for this man to come see about me, gave every bit of “I’m delivert…I don’t like independence nomo”.
These breaks in my stREngTh have happened sporadically over the last 5 years and having any issue with my car is one of the quickest ways to get me to remember my weakness. So this morning when I left my apartment to go commune with my Mother’s Nature…I craved the presence of a man when my car wouldn’t start. I sat there for a couple minutes thinking back over the men in my life that I took for granted…who would’ve shown up to figure out what was wrong within minutes. And one of those men was my dad. My thoughts took me back to the time this pothole showed up OUT OF NOWHERE and popped my tire. Why didn’t I drive around a hole that was big enough to be seen from across the country? It “showed up OUT OF NOWHERE”. My dad was ‘in his zone’, enjoying his day off…on the complete opposite side of town…but the time it took him to get to me made me feel like he ran every red light and stop sign. That day I felt protected by him and even though he claimed he didn’t want me to date a man like him…this was one of the qualities he unintentionally taught me to look for. Why any woman would pretend they’re okay living without simple, but monumental, provisions like this…is craaaaazy. I get being happy within yourself…for yourself…but doing life with someone else who’s just as happy is goals.
My car ended up starting after my memory lane ended. When I took it to the dealership and waited for 2 hours…they said something about the battery being something chile. They fixed the issue…I left from there and went on my hike…ran some errands…ate good…and now I’m about to watch Super Bad. Honestly speaking…I enjoy this freedom. I don’t have anyone to answer to, I don’t have to worry about the possibility of having my heart broken, I don’t have to bend over backwards…to give someone else what they need, I don’t have to pretend I like being domestic, and I can move how I want. But…there’s always that but. After 5 years…I’m just now starting to feel like I’m actually healing so there really isn’t any rush to find out how unhealed I still am. Because I know I have a lot more work to do. And truthfully speaking…I still feel like I’ll turn out just like my BM and her ‘mother’ even after I heal. The car situation…and the cobwebs…is really what has me in my feelings today. But after I zone out I’ll forget about it…until I’m reminded again.
Love,
Choosy
