GlassHouse
Trigger Warning: I’m all the way in my feelings.
These thoughts were triggered by my fears of the future…
The holidays are coming up and…”it’s upsetting me and my homegirl”. I’m already seeing Christmas decor being put out in stores and every time I pass them I roll my eyes because sANtA CLaUse iSN’t EvEn rEAl. Why do I still have my Christmas tree up, from last year, if that’s how I feel? Who invited you into my business babes? I asked myself a couple months ago why I was so reluctant to pack my tree up like I usually do and my initial answer was…it’s pretty. I left it at that for a while until I finally figured out the real reason. I spent the last three Christmas’ being purposely triggered by the ‘family’ that chose to disown me for telling them the truth. Keeping the tree up is my way of diminishing its meaning so I’m not as triggered when that day, meant to be shared with family, comes back around. To know me is to know that this is one of my favorite holidays because gift giving is the love language I’m fluent in. I live for figuring out what gifts will make someone I love smile and getting that reaction is an indescribable feeling for me. I still have my niece to do this with but the hoops I’ve had to jump through these last few years has me too scared to get too happy. And the fact that my little sister still hasn’t been able to prove that she didn’t give away all the gifts I bought my niece for her birthday…makes me not even want to do the most…like I usually do.
I’m slowly starting to feel anxiety around what is awaiting me because whenever I’m not expecting to be triggered…I’m gifted with an abundance of them. They’ve managed to use my niece as the ball that chains me to their broomstick bulls eye and I get hit every time. Right now, I feel like I’m overcorrecting to overcompensate for this sense of impending aloneness. When I overcorrect…I tend to overshare…which rarely ends well for me. I’ve been trying to force myself be like Bagg and get into my “quiet era”…but I’m a ‘bipolar’ gemini. Staying quiet for me looks like I’m walking naked through a glass house because I wear how I feel on my skin. I have no desire to be any other way but I know this is a coping mechanism that isn’t always healthy. And now I’m noticing that I’ve been actively seeking out any reason to overshare my feelings to complete strangers…more than I usually do. My desire to be heard always gets stronger around the holidays because that’s when their triggers are the worst. Which makes sense why all three attempts I’ve taken at starting this blog…have been during the holiday season.
Reintegrating with my ‘family’ is not an option at this point and I’ve yet to find another family that isn’t filled with members that are spitting images of my own. So as much as I want to hold out hope that this year will be different…I know it won’t be. I do have an advantage this time though because I finally accept the possibility of what’s about to happen. Which means I don’t have to be thrown off for a 4th year in a row if it does. It’s crazy because I have the kind of ‘family’ that has sooo much potential to be solid. When all of our personalities come together it’s a good time and I miss that more than everything. Knowing that all of that was torn apart because our alleged ‘elders’ didn’t want to fall on their sadistic swords…is a loss I don’t think I’ll ever recover from. Because instead of using that sword to kill our generational curses…they used it to cut me out of our unit. I don’t think I’ve accepted the reality of that concept, even after all these years, because it still doesn’t feel real. Kicking off the f*ckery festivities, in the chat, before anyone has a chance to piss me off feels right…but I’d rather just be quiet…with my blinds closed.
Love,
Choosy
