HalfBaked

These thoughts were triggered by finding the lesson…

No report was made. But we already knew I wasn’t going to keep my word on that so…no fake outrage please. Staying up and talking to my Ancestors until 1:30 this morning played a big part in how I was able to wake up with a smile on my face…and no intention of allowing my emotions to make me crash out. This smile didn’t stop me from trolling my little sister though…until I realized that the ‘entity’ that possesses her every moon cycle…is no longer governing her behavior. After I realized I wasn’t going to get a reaction out of her…I started thinking how easy it is for them to trigger me and then go back to pretending they never were…who they were. Then…God whispered in my ear that He’s reflecting my behavior back to me so I can stop doing this to other people. After swallowing my pride…I accepted my truth. Because even in the texts I sent my little sister today…I was trying to incite a negative reaction. When she didn’t give me one…I went back to acting like I never did what I had just done. I feel like my childishness is justified after what happened yesterday…but what they meant as a trigger…God meant as a lesson. And in their trigger…was His revelation that it’s time for me to grow up.

I woke up knowing I was going to pick my niece up from school…irrespective of the rah rah ritual from yesterday. Which meant I was going to have to drop her off at the house that the other aunt told me never to come back to…after I told her she was only talking the way she was because I hurt her “wittle feelings”. I honestly think that’s why she claimed she wanted to fight because for whatever reason…hurt feelings bring the masculinity out of women…and the femininity out of men. I’ve seen this role reversal a lot throughout my life because…I’m an unintentional switch flipper. I didn’t intend to tell my little sister the truth about my assumptions of the other aunt but I did. What I assumed was hurtful…which made her want to express that hurt with aggression. It’s crazy because we were on “I love you” terms before I said what I said but now the relationship is severed. Because even though my assumptions were understandably triggering…her reaction to them revealed her character. Half Disclosure: I won’t say why my assumptions of her seemed valid to me because she isn’t actually family. So telling her business on this blog would be more messy than I’m comfortable being at this point in my life. But I had my reasons…and acting on them inadvertently showed me what I needed to see.

For whatever reason, my little bipolar opinion of people always holds more weight than I think it does…so seeing her turn into someone I didn’t recognize felt familiar. When this happens with my blood, I forget and move on. But for an actual familiar stranger…I can’t be bothered. I’m assuming she knows we’re no longer on that type of time because when I dropped my niece off today…she was nowhere to be seen. I want to wish I handled the situation, post assumption, differently but…I left a lot of things unsaid. Usually all a person has to do to figure out how I really feel about them…is get me mad. So I was proud of myself when I looked back over my texts because I kept it cute this time…with all three of the triggerers. I know I could’ve been cuter but I’m still a work in progress…at my big age. And I think I’m okay with that because now that I see the lesson God was giving me…I know what is expected of me next time. At this point…I feel like my maturity is finally catching up with how many years I’ve been on this Earth and that’s a win to me. At this pace…I’ll be a real life adult by the time I turn 40. Which works for me because I’d hate to still be out here unable to control my emotions…as a senior citizen.

Love,

Choosy