GasBackwards

These thoughts were triggered by failing another test…

Acting irrationally yesterday felt really right…in the moment. I forgot all logic and allowed myself to act off nothing but my emotions. Which is the opposite of what I was supposed to do. I wouldn’t have even thought twice about my behavior if I didn’t get a text from my little sister telling me to pick my niece up from school today though. The first thing that I thought when I saw her text pop up on my screen was…they got me. This last trigger was just like the rest of them and its intention was to get me to act out of, but well within, my character. I’ve had so many opportunities to see what they’re doing and react differently but when I don’t give them the reaction they’re looking for…they keep poking until it’s unbearable. Which is why my little sister cut my communication to my niece…just to turn around and say she was moving out of state…just to turn around and threaten me with a TPO…just to turn around and tell me to pick her child up from school. This…woman…didn’t even have the decency to ask me. She text me and made it seem like she was doing me a favor. Same ‘gas’…different station.

I can’t even pretend not to feel like a lick right now because as soon as she let me know I could go get my niece…I happily erased the last two weeks. I did take the time to remind my little sister that I’m the one doing her the favor because she’s gotten too comfortable thinking she’s entitled to my help. After going back and forth and getting blocked again…I entertained myself with emotionally stimulating content…until it was time to leave to go get ‘CC’. When she got in the car we talked about what happened and I reinforced the same point I always do…that none of what was going on had anything to do with anything she did. I grew up with a ‘mother’ that made me think everything was my fault and I don’t want to pass that tradition down. I can always tell when I’ve said enough because my niece cuts me off mid sentence to talk about something completely unrelated. So after she tried switching the direction of the conversation…I asked her if what I said made sense to her and I got the nod of approval. It was fun talk and truth or dare games for the rest of the car ride.

After I dropped her off I started thinking about how much energy I wasted by standing in her mother’s ‘gas’ chamber…without my mask of unbotheredness. I knew she was trying to get a certain reaction from me and I still followed her up. I know I have the ability to shift blame for my behavior on my dISoRDer but at the end of the day…God knows I’m not (that) crazy. After displaying my crop top version of crazy yesterday…I saw a quote that said “The door you’re supposed to walk through won’t open until you become the version of yourself you’re supposed to be when you’re on the other side of it.” And I knew that was God tapping me on my shoulder letting me know…that I’m going to have to repeat this test again. I want to believe I’m maturing but when it comes time to show and prove my growth…I still default back to my dysfunction. At this point I’m not even looking at the triggers from these ‘gas’ guzzlers as attacks because all they’ve ever been are litmus tests. My toxicity is the acidity that keeps failing me and my composure is the alkalinity that I’m trying to pass through with. It would help if I didn’t have so many opportunities to act out but…it wouldn’t be a fair test if I wasn’t given the option to choose between the right and wrong answer.

Love,

Choosy