CordCut
No…they aren’t moving states. Yes…that really was an attempt to trigger my mania and…it worked…
I tried to be ‘normal’…”honestly…truly”. But…I buckled under pressure. I won’t detail all of what my ‘mania’ looked like today because “that’s my business”…but long story short…I lived up to the expectations placed on my psyche. The stupid prize I got for the stupid game I played today was the threat of a restraining order. Which is honestly an upgrade from what I’m usually offered so…I’m up. What’s crazy is in order to receive the offer...I had to sacrifice my connection to the same child I was trying to help. I would play the victim in this situation but the truth is…I put myself here by trying to play God…and failing miserably. I was given every opportunity to fall back and quietly tend to my ‘assignments’ but I let my mouth get the best of me every time one of the class dropouts triggered me. Today was no different. So I won’t waste time complaining about my connections being sacrificed because…I played a part.
After the dust settled from thumb tussling with my little sister…I went to the group chat to let them know what was happening. And once again…crickets. The frustration that came from me providing more proof that intervention from the ‘family’ is needed…and then being met with more silence…revitalized my disdain for all things human. Every single human in the group chat takes pride in their community viewing them as faith based followers of the Word but as soon as it’s time to practice, with family, what a ‘celebrity’ pastor preaches…everyone is speechless. My great grandmother was another altar caller and ended up receiving a key to the city she grew up in as a result of all the work she put in with the community. VOLUNTEER work that required her to leave her kids emotionally unattended to do…but my ‘family’ is fixated on fixing the issues of strangers. Even though none of those strangers will be affected by the curses, started by the she s’AINT, that turned most of my ‘family’ into the kind of people who purposely use trauma as a rite of passage for their children.
I’ll probably regret my actions from today…in a few weeks…but as it stands right now…I’m on all 10. The fights that happen between my little sister and I are only avoidable if I bow down to her manipulation and move how she wants me to move by giving her whatever she asks from me but…she keeps increasing her asking price. I know there’s another reason for the recent price hike that kicked off this break in communication but I can’t prove what I feel without talking to my niece. Surprise surprise. This trigger falls in line with the running theme my ‘family’ has of sacrificing the futures of the youth by passing down patterns that prolong codependency. I’ve been participating in these sacrificial rituals too even though I assumed I was doing something different. Cutting the cord with my little sister needed to be done a long time ago but I thought it would hurt my niece more by me not being there to make up for whatever she wasn’t getting. But she has one mother for a reason and seeing her mother in the fullness of her motherhood is what she needs…even if that means she only gets pieces of me. So I’m stepping to the side. Am I pretending I have a choice? Yup.
Love,
Choosy
