FeelWithIt

Sheeesh.

I chatslided. I want to pretend today was the first time but…I sent a text this past Sunday too. I had a dream about something bad happening to my little sister and normally I wouldn’t have thought twice about it because sometimes my dreams induce fear. But I woke up in the middle of the dream and when I fell back asleep…the same storyline was playing which has never happened to me before. So the next day I sent the chat a short text summing up what happened and telling them to stay out of my dreams. Aaaaand then I called them demons. I didn’t broadcast that text because accusing people of sending me nightmares sounds…bipolar. It is what it is though. Fast forward to today and I still haven’t been allowed to talk to my niece. I text my little sister earlier to ask what time I’d be able to go see her child tomorrow and after a few hours of not receiving a response…the dream I had about her crept up and stole my composure. I ended up sending a screenshot to the group chat of the private thread to calm my nerves. After asking them to check on her and then telling them to “carry on” if this was just another one of their triggers…I focused on my breathing to avoid saying more words.

No one text anything back to confirm or deny whether everything with my little sister is okay so…this is another trigger attempt. When’s the last time they actually replied to me and don’t I still have most of them blocked? Ughn ughhh…no more questions please. At this point it feels like I’m being emotionally extorted and this thought has had me tensing up all day. I took that as an opportunity to lean into my femininity though because my tension felt too masculine. So every time I felt my face scrunching up or my back tightening…I kept telling myself to ‘soften up’. After saying those words, the release that came next felt like I was laying back into the arms of masculinity…instead of embodying it with my own energy. I was doing this exercise for the majority of the day because my recurring thoughts about the truth, once again, being the reason my face is being played in…kept my muscles spasm’ing out. This is the first time I’ve ever turned my frustration into femininity and…I’m slightly obsessed.

I was doing good maintaining my softness until I clicked on this YouTube video. The ad that started playing had Billie Eilish in it and I could hear her song Birds of a Feather in the background. As soon as I heard it my whole body got stiff because that’s a song my niece and I sing a lot on the car rides home. I hadn’t heard it since the last time I dropped her off and when it started playing all I could see was her little face singing the chorus. Which made me want to go see about her. But I can’t even pop up to try to see her because my little sister fell out with ‘the other aunt’ a couple weeks ago and the last place I dropped my niece to was a temporary location. When I add all of these convenient coincidences up…it looks like their annual holiday triggers have started early. I won’t lie and say they haven’t planned this out perfectly because this trigger “right heeere ni…”…has all the elements required for a top tier ‘manic episode’. I already know…responding with the rage they’re expecting…will just add to their ability…to plausibly deny…the fact that they’re setting me up again though. And when I act ‘manic’…they isolate me longer out of fEaR for my mania. Which means I now have to sit back and feel my way through the optics of this illusion because clarity will eventually find its way to me.

Love,

Choosy