StrungOut
These thoughts were triggered by thinking….
The ‘battle of the broomsticks’ has begun. I did what I needed to do to get around their ‘block’ party but now that I refuse to give the reaction I know these demon spawns are trying to get…they’re summoning my fear of abandonment. Leaving me with the option of being left has always triggered my inner child’s heart to skip a beat because she’s reminded of the childhood I’m assuming I had…that I still haven’t healed from. Healing that part of my past would probably be easier if I could remember any of it but as of now…I’m taking guesses of what past trauma I might have experienced, from the people I grew up with, by looking at their present patterns of behavior. The most recurring pattern is their fixation with abandoning the idea of all the mental issues they claim I have…when they’re actively trying to get me to have a mental breakdown. So my little sister randomly texting me today to tell me that she’s decided to relocate her and my niece to another state…felt like an action I should expect from the fUNcTioNAl ‘family’ I grew ‘crazy’ in. (SS below.)
She text me from my niece’s iPad earlier and told me I didn’t have to pick ‘her daughter’ up. This…was supposed to incite my rage because she kept me from talking to my niece the whole school break and I was high key excited about school starting back so the connection could stop being weaponized. I chose not to give the reaction I knew she wanted so…she shared her newfound plan to uproot my niece out the state. It felt like the room was spinning for a second but at this point…I’m numb. I tried to tell myself that this isn’t any different than me threatening to call CPS on her but…I make threats so she’ll get on her sh*t and she makes threats to make me lose mine. Does that make me feel better about being toxic? I feel attacked. I went back to the chat…to tell everyone how unbothered I am by these triggers because that’s how I move when I’m bothered. But as soon as I went to start tap dancing…I stopped because pretending not to be bothered was bothering me. So I finished my work, did my yoga, made my salad, and exercised my lungs…just like I would’ve done if I didn’t feel like the walls were closing in on me.
I’ve had a lot of intrusive thoughts fighting for my attention the last few hours and I don’t feel like engaging any of them. It’s already uncomfortably obvious that my ‘family’ is trying their hardest to get more pROoF of my diSOrDeR…by purposely putting me in situations meant to provoke my ability to irrationally respond. I already knew about their obsession with lowering my energy but now I’m trying to figure out wtf happens if my energy remains high. Because no one puts 23 years worth of effort into preventing something from happening…if that ‘something’ isn’t a big deal. So now…I’m letting them have it for the sole purpose of finding out what happens to them when they don’t have me. I’m not about to go back and forth with the baby banshee because I don’t even have proof that she’s telling me the truth. Her words honestly feel like an act of desperation and reacting to them feels like something the me I’m trying to outgrow would do. My soul knows a crash out is what they want…which is why I refuse to steer this hamster wheel. I don’t know what my energy does to people but…lately I’ve been seeing a lot of withdrawals after I take it away from the ones who keep pretending they aren’t getting high off of it. That’s craaaaazy.
Love,
Choosy
Clarification: Whenever I speak about them doing spell work on me…this is what I mean. Magic is just someone casting an illusion over what someone else perceives. They want my perception of self to read unstable, undesirable, undeserving…etc. Which is why they keep trying to trigger me because my old responses to their mentally unstable behavior reinforces these things. So the only way to expose the behavior of those trying to keep me tied to this ‘crazy’ narrative is by maintaining my composure.
