OnGive
These thoughts were triggered by feeling like I have…more than I don’t…
I’m still blocked (even as I edit this on Sunday night). It’s usually around the third day that I start ‘raising hell’ and at this point…they all know this. I always oVErrEAcT…even though I honestly feel like my reactions ‘never not’ match the energy being sent my way. I used to go cat sh*t crazy and play pop-up after I manically text the chat but now that I know how draining that is on my energy…I refocus my attention. I thought refocusing was a good way to balance out my emotions but lately I’ve been starting to see that…losing focus of how I feel isn’t balanced. My go to has always been to watch something that makes me laugh and that works for however long my attention is focused on funny but in the absence of the humor…my energy still feels heavy. The one on one’s I do with my inner child already taught me the emotions to expect from being blocked because I’ve been gifted so much practice by the Broomers. And even though my past responses to these triggers always felt like I was processing my feelings the right way…I was still ignoring the root of the cause while trying to numb the aftermath of its effect.
Refocusing usually has me crying…going out in nature…meditating…smoking… binge watching comedy specials...or closing my eyes so I can watch my crush running back and forth through my daydreams. All of those things are helpful…but none of these options help me heal the actual issue. They’re just used as a band aid to cover up a wound that keeps being reopened. So earlier today, while exercising through my Mother’s exterior designs, I started to think about the emotions that this trigger of isolation brings up for me. The first thought was…my love affair with the feeling of lack. When I don’t have the option…of having the option…to reach out to the last family I’m still allowed to speak to, outside of birthday calls, my lack mentality is heightened. Because I feel like I’m without the presence of something I need. And this is the energy I’m sitting in while distracting myself with everything but what emotions are trying to get me to feel. From an energetic point of view…what we feel is what we attract…even if we’re choosing to ignore those feelings. So these rituals being done by my ‘family’, a minimum of twice a month, have had me consistently manifesting the opposite of abundance.
When that thought came to me earlier, my attempt to make the Law of Attraction benefit me had me looking around for things that could heighten my sense of abundance. My focus went straight to my fingers and my mind started envisioning all the things I’m able to do as a result of having them. That one thought led to hundreds of other thoughts about how easy my life has been made by having full function of the vessel my soul is currently housed in. And that had my genuine appreciation for all that I have…on give. What does that even mean? Who cares…”it’s provocative”. By the end of my walk, I was solely focused on my breathing. Every time I took a breath in/out I intentionally felt gratitude for it. When I got in my car, my emotions started two stepping on my tear ducts because they reminded me of the fact that I’m still here to feel what I’m feeling. No one will ever be able to convince me that my ‘family’ isn’t purposely inciting my ‘mania’ with the hopes of making me lose hope. The fact that I still won’t give them what they want, by closing my own curtains, was the last thought required for the water works to start. Because after I put my own existence on a pedestal…I realized how grateful I am not to lack life.
Love,
Choosy
