Feds
Not me having to monitor my words because I have eyes, I didn’t know were on me, watching…
I haaaate having to censor myself because I genuinely feel like people deserve to hear my opinions. Do I feel like using the word “deserve” is a little too arrogant? Of course not…my opinions are gifts.———- Is it my intention to come across this cocky? SECURITY! Today I was given two reasons why I now have to watch what I say because it looks like I have more eyes on me than I thought I did. I noticed that the last few months have been filled with ‘coincidences’ of people, who pretend not to care that I exist, echoing words of mine that I thought no one was paying attention to. When it first started happening I told myself I was imagining things because the same people speaking like they’re studying me…are the same ones who have gone out of their way to make it known that they don’t entertain people as flawed as I am. Hmm. Those sentiments stung a little at first…right before I accepted that I’m not for everybody. But today…I had to acknowledge that my words really do break hearts. And God showed me that this is why I should never get too comfortable carelessly expressing how I feel. So now I’m trying to figure out how to say what I want to say…without saying what I want to say. Yuck.
The most important reason for my newly needed censorship came after taking my niece to this amusement park that she’s been begging me to go to. We were talking about something that happened while we were there and out of nowhere…she told me I’m “judgmental”. I’m still gathering the pieces of my edges that were snatched by her honesty. I’ve been called a lot of things…by a lot of people…but I’ve never taken anyone’s opinion of me as seriously as I take this child’s. The craziest part is…she was just telling me the truth. I won’t pretend this isn’t a truth that she probably overheard from the whor…’women’ in my ‘family. But she’s smart enough to know the meaning of the word…and emotionally intelligent enough to know that this is an accurate description of my personality. I giggled when she gave me her assessment…but not because it was funny. I was literally too embarrassed to formulate a witty comeback. And it was at that moment that I realized…she’s going to be the only one in my ‘family’ who possesses the ability to humble me. I lOVe tHaT fOR mE.
I don’t know why I was shocked by her words because she’s spent so much time around me that it would literally be impossible for her not to pick up on who I am. And it’s even more impossible that she’d walk away not knowing how to politely read someone down. The best part is…she said what she said with a level of softness that I admired because even though she shattered every ounce of pride flowing through me…she didn’t do it with the intention to hurt my feelings…like most adults do. She just made her accurate observation and went on with the conversation…like she’s seen me do a million times. In more ways than one I’m a proud aunt because she’s learning how to see behind masks. I wear the mask of a truth teller but beneath my truthfulness is still the same person my ex used to refer to as the “judge and juror”. I’m honestly terrified, like…”very a lot”, because I thought by not having children of my own…I’d be able to escape having a child repay me for everything my ‘smart’ mouth has taken my BM through. But…she’s going to be that one. I’m criiiieeeen’.
Love,
Choosy
