FluffNFold
Raise your hand if you think I followed through with my threat. If your hand is raised…your expectations of me are way too high babes…
My intention was to wake up as angry as I was when I went to sleep last night but…I woke up feeling regular. I don’t know what’s been happening with my energy but for the majority of the day I had to sit in silence so I could hear myself think. I thought I was going to have too much work to play pick up but around noon I realized I’d be done before the time I usually stop to get my niece. So I spent some of that silence trying to figure out if I was going to let my ego be the one to decide whether or not to pick her up. I said before that I feel like my ‘family’ wants me to act the same way towards her that they act towards me. After the silence…I realized that not going to get her would be acting out of the selfishness of my pride. And I would’ve done that in order to prove a pointless point to the ‘adults’…while leaving the child to be the collateral damage. Like what they’re doing. There was no way to take my frustration out on the ‘adults’, by choosing to stay home, without the child feeling some of it so…I folded.
Before making my decision…I was already in a state of annoyance from the reply my leasing office gave me. The manager told me that the little black square propped up against the window…isn’t a camera. There’s no way to prove whether it is or isn’t so I responded back and thanked him for following up with me. I added a smiley face at the end because I know he was expecting a different reaction. I almost let it go but…I’m petty. So I found this faux surveillance camera that I bought from the Dollar Store a while back to scare the maintenance men. I never used it because it looks like one that is on the ceiling of banks but for this…it made sense. I put it in between two of my plants and walked away feeling like I had really done something because…it’s nOt a cAmERa either but it looks like one. I say that to say I was in my feelings and had every reason to allow my frustration to overshadow my responsibility to a child that didn’t ask to be born into this ‘family’. And…I feel like a real aunt for putting her feelings over mine.
Trying to control my actions…that result from my hurt feelings…is still a thing. I know I’m able to choose to react in nontoxic ways when I see red. I also know the immediate gratification of toxicity that I get from saying how I feel in the moment…feels better. I’m trying to retrain my brain to crave the healthier option but…I’ve been eating beef for a very long time. I can’t even count how many times I’ve come to the realization that my toxicity is still alive and thriving but if I focus my attention on who will be hurt as a result of my decision to feed into it…I feel like I’ll start making better decisions. I doubt my mind will ever have a full factory reset so I feel like I’ll always have traces of it in my aura. But the kids that I claim to love are growing up surrounded by similar toxicity that hasn’t fully corrupted them yet. If I love them like I say I do…I have to stop acting like a child…as a way to get the grown ups to act like adults. Because it just ends up hurting the actual children.
Love,
Choosy
