Chrysalis

“And I know that if love is my purpose, I can’t lose energy looking for enemies…I just dub it all”.…

I had to interview for a retail job after I graduated because I didn’t believe my professor when she told me I’d have to get my Masters in order to find a job in my field. During the interview I was asked ‘If (I) had the chance to be reincarnated into any insect…which one would (I) choose?’. My immediate response was a butterfly and when she asked me why…the look on her face after I answered let me know I got the job. I told her it was because I wanted to experience what it felt like to crawl…so I could have a better appreciation of the freedom that comes with flying. I got the job…and eventually worked my way to a management position…that paid a whole $11.00/hr. Chile. These last few years have felt like my caterpillar stage because mentally…I’ve been as low as humanly possible. I’m finally reaching the point where I’m ready to climb into my chrysalis era though. But in order to prepare myself for this stage…I’ve had to navigate my way through energies that were put in my path for the sole purpose of feeding off of me when I was at my most vulnerable point. So a lot of people had to be cut, in order to prevent them from having future access to my mental. Because this season of my life is all about protection.

For as long as I can remember…I’ve been the queen of 2nd chances. I feel like my abandonment issues is what prevented me from wanting to make other people feel abandoned by me. Which is why it took me so long to let this situation with my ‘family’ go. But I finally reached that point. One of my niece’s birthdays was last week and, the day of, I text my older brother asking if he would let her call me. He replied “Ok” but it’s been days and still no call. I can’t figure out if this is a result of me never calling him back or if it’s because the child that I wanted to talk to…isn’t biologically his. I fell out with the mom a few years ago after calling her a “forever fiance’” in one of the group chats when they stopped allowing me to talk to all the kids. Now that they’re no longer together…I’m assuming he doesn’t have the ability to override her hurt feelings. His are hurt too so he really didn’t have any incentive to. Either way…my inability to speak with the child I still see as family, is a direct result of hurting the feelings of the adults. Situations like this carry the kind of energy that weakens me mentally. So I’m no longer interested in trying to reintegrate myself into the kind of ‘family’ that will still cut my access to their children for saying/doing something they don’t like.

Being at my lowest showed me who was for me and who wasn’t. Carrying the energy of the ‘wasn’ts’ with me into this new era isn’t an option. I want to approach life with the same kind of wishful thinking that I used to have because pretending someone isn’t who they showed me they are…feels better…when I don’t want to accept that who they are…isn’t good for me. And if I’m being honest with myself…the version of me that I crawled through life as…was just as toxic. So I was just as bad for them as they were for me. But…I want to change. In order for that change to take place I have to turn into someone completely unrecognizable and in order to be unrecognizable…I have to change my emotional environment. Which means I can’t give any more 2nd chances for someone to show me that they really are who they already showed me they were the first time. That belief was solidified earlier when I started thinking about what my reality would look like if the ones who were sent in to prevent me from making it to my next stage in life…actually succeeded. The answer to that question gives me no other choice but to cocoon alone…and wait to see who I become…once God is done making my new body…that none of the hoes from my past are allowed to be on.

Love,

Choosy