Wife’dUp
Nature always guides me to reset my mind…
Some years back I got pulled over while I was on my way to my favorite nature trail and the therapy session the cop allowed me to have surprised me. First, I have to point out that…I didn’t do anything to get pulled over. Was I speeding? That’s not the point babes. This happened when I stayed at the roach brothel and around that time is when the neighbor directly across from me installed her doorbell camera…that faced my door. I manic’d and all my intuition kept telling me…was to go by some trees. While telling the officer about my attempts to call the health department for the roaches I unknowingly inherited when I moved in that apartment…and about the triggers I was experiencing from my family…and about the new neighbor who I felt was now paying too much attention to me…and about my ‘bipolar’ diagnosis………….I ended up telling him that being in nature is how I cope with my reality. Still a true story. He honestly deserves a raise because he was so patient with me while I released all the emotions that I couldn’t talk to anyone else about. After I finished purging he let me go…without giving me the ticket I may..or may not have deserved.
I had another coping session today and I purged to my Mother’s nature. I needed it more than I usually do because there was still some residual rage lingering from my truth telling being the reason that I spent another holiday centered around ‘family’…without the presence of mine…for the third year in a row. When I got home from my walk I still felt a little ‘aloneness’ anxiety so I started looking at the thoughts I was thinking. They were all centered around my imposter’s fear of me never healing enough to change my circumstances. As soon as I realized the source of what was altering my mood…my wife showed up. I say wife because the part of me responsible for nurturing myself pushed through and let me know she’s ready to commit to giving me what I need on a full-time basis because…she’s tired of my sh*t. I’ve always gone back and forth between her…and my love for negative self-talk. But I never really paid attention to the fact that the way I talk to myself is a form of emotional abuse…that gives me anxiety. When wifey pointed this out today…she told me that the only way she’d ball and chain me is if I stop subconsciously reinforcing my feelings of worthlessness. Which was a logical ask because that’s what’s been separating my self…from its esteem.
Honestly speaking, I wasn’t paying as much attention as I thought I was to all the thoughts that keep me suspended in my fear. So this lesson is being repeated…again. Earlier when I started focusing on my internal dialogue, the response I had to my fearful thoughts was…“I love you me”. I heard that phrase on a YT video where a father had his kids tell themselves they love themselves. It’s the first thing that popped in my mind to reverse my toxic thoughts and…it works. I had to say that sentence a few handful of times while washing the outside from off my skin. Which let me know that my fear noticed that I’m trying to find out what life is like without it…so it kept popping up. This…is why I need my wife because she knows that what I think…is what I attract. She’s teaching me how to tame the part of my ego that defaults back to the ‘why it’ll never happen’ thought pattern, because she intuitively knows those thoughts are what prevents what can happen from happening. And she also knows the only way to get me to where I want to be is through the love I give myself. Because to know me is to know that love is the only thing that makes me feel like anything is possible.
Love,
Choosy
