BoreDumb
It’s crazy how a picture can say a million words…but a million actual words can say nothing…
The new moon energy came and went but…still no triggers from the ‘family’. I was going to consider my inability to talk to my niece over the holiday break as a trigger but…it’s happened so many times that at this point it feels normal. The crazy part is it’s almost been a month since their last real trigger…and it’s almost been a month since I had a mANiC episode. Surprise surprise. And the only difference between this month and last month is a decent amount of FaceBook posts. The ‘elders’ still love that app and I’m sure I hit a few of their nerves with my…transparency. So…no more trigger triathlons. I’m honestly not sure how I feel about it because I was subconsciously anticipating my bi-monthly hit of toxicity. Now that it looks like my plug ran off…it feels like something’s missing. I’m grateful for the peace I now have but…I’m bored. Going back and forth with them is how I relieved a lot of my stress and now all I have left is stillness. But you thought this is what I kept saying I wanted? I’m over here having war withdrawals and you’re trying to remind me of what my representative said…insanely insensitive my guy.
Normally during a holiday break when I can’t talk to my niece…I’d be ranting in the chat. I chose not to do that this time because…sitting in that energy annoys me now. So I occupied my time with meditation, exercise, good music and rest. Before now I used these coping mechanisms to get me through my day. But lately…I’ve been using them to detach from my reality instead of allowing them to help me process the emotions that my reality is invoking. When I saw what I was doing I told myself I needed to cry because crying has always been the easiest way for my body to cleanse this energy. But I couldn’t get any tears to fall. After meditating, my supernatural ability to find offense allowed me to have the release I needed. I started thinking about how much delusion it took for a whole ‘family’ to use their words to paint a picture portraying me as their problem. Whole time…I was trying to facilitate our solution. When I accepted the fact that this is the real reason I didn’t break bread with them over dry turkey…I flooded my face.
The cry only lasted a few minutes because that’s how long it took me to accept the fact that stillness is my new normal. All masks have been removed and I’ve detached from the majority of all the bonds I had with them. And truthfully speaking…I’m terrified. Because I know this is the part where I figure out if I truly was the problem. I had the urge to ‘express myself’ in the chat earlier because I needed to feel something but every time I picked my phone up…I felt like a hypocrite. Being left without the option to blame them for my toxic behavior…only leaves me as the toxicity if I keep moving like I did before. My FB posts helped me leave the emotionally abusive relationship that I’ve been in for almost 4 years and now…I’m trying to figure out how to adjust to the quiet. It’s so weird to me how I felt this same sense of confusion when I finally left my first ex because I was so used to fighting that I had no idea what to do when I didn’t have to anymore. Back then I wasted my alone time and jumped into another toxic relationship as soon as the opportunity presented itself. Now…I’d rather be bored by myself…until I feel dumb enough to put myself out there again.
Love,
Choosy
