Undiagnosed
It’s ‘F*ck Trigga Free’ Season…
Not detailing the actions of my ‘family’ on Facebook before now is one of my biggest regrets because the full moon was yesterday and there hasn’t been one trigger sent my way. I’ve been telling my immediates for a while that the only reason they’ve gotten away with their emotional abuse is because no one knew about it. I created the group chat as a way to expose what was being hidden but after I hurt everyone’s feelings…they swept our trauma back under the rug. I created this blog out of the frustration I felt from not being heard but it really did nothing to stop my ‘family’ from their monthly rituals because y’all don’t know who they are. So they’ve had no reason to change. Abusers get more comfortable when they know they won’t get caught up and even if they are caught…if the consequences aren’t serious enough…the behavior doesn’t just continue…it gets worse. Now…the same people my ‘family’ played victim to…are the same ones who have seen my receipts showing that the viCTiMS are the actual victimizers.
I haven’t been back to FB since my ‘mania’ explanation…even though I had the urge to purge my frustration a few times since then. But in this new season…I’m learning not to talk from what I feel (as much as I used to), because my feelings don’t always hold space for my logic. I'm going to try to give it a couple more day…hours…before I make an ‘I told you so’ post because…gloating will never be something I’m too emotionally mature to do. My ‘family’ has tried to get me out of character a few times since my last post because the pattern I had shown them was that I’d go straight to FB with my anger. Which is why I’m glad I follow my intuition because if something doesn’t feel right…I don’t do it. Going back every time they get me in my feelings shows a lack of self-control that validates who they claim I am…but posting when there is actually a reason for me to say something…makes them look exactly like who I said they are. Undiagnosed.
In the absence of having to alchemize another trigger…I was able to rest today. I still went hiking but I did that after sleeping in till 1pm. The stress from that last trigger had my cycle come 3 weeks late and I’d never been so happy to see red in my life when it came yesterday. TMI? My mistake. I feel like I’ve been doing a good job at pretending their triggers haven’t been affecting me as much as they have been but today I had enough energy to acknowledge that…it’s a lot. I went to Target and felt my eyes start watering while waiting in line. After standing still long enough to take in all the holiday decorations…I had an intrusive thought about all the Thanksgivings I spent with my ‘family’ when I blissfully ignored their behavior towards me. The tears came when I accepted that I’ll never allow myself to be that person with them again…which means we’ve celebrated our last one together. The weight of that reality is crazy to me but I’m done playing make believe. Those hoes can’t cook anyway. Can I?……………..Out of mine please.
Love,
Choosy
