Studio

Disclaimer: For anyone, diagnosed with a mental illness, who may read this and think going without traditional therapy is their answer too…please know that what I’m trying to make work for me…may not work for you.

These thoughts were triggered by my decision to stay positive about where I am…

I have gone back into hiding from the bigger group chat. Allowing myself to text multiple times in a day, like I did last week, would usually lead to a longstanding bender of verbal acrobatics…which basically amounts to me begging for acknowledgement. But so far so good. I was managing to avoid that pattern with the smaller chat too….until I found a way to validate my desire to feed into my toxicity. Earlier today, while doing my yoga, my emotions got heavy and I had the urge to lash out. I started criticizing myself for where I am in life and that gave me my green light. For as long as I can remember, I have always had the belief that I should be more accomplished than wherever I am at the time. Growing up with a twin has always added to this belief because we have always been compared to one another. She has always been seen as the ‘successful’ twin and I am always seemingly trying to get it together. And a few people in the ‘family’ have used this comparison to humble me over the years. This used to drive me crazy. So even when I’m doing good…I never feel like I’m doing good enough. (This is a repeat conversation but my mind does this at times.)

I’m sure everyone reading is aware, at this point, that over the last four years the most common insult my ‘family’ has used against me is in regards to my mental health ‘issues’. I have been called “crazy”, “schizophrenic”, “delusional”, “paranoid” and a “loser” throughout my reign in the group chat(s) by the same people who then turned around and told me how concerned they were for my decision not to “get help”. Over the last year, comments like these have died down drastically. But the new replacement insult now thrown out is my living situation. I’ve stayed in a studio apartment for the last three years and for some people, in this cluster of clowns, that is considered shameful at my age. So earlier, I started feeling defeated when I looked around at the space I lovingly call my ‘shoebox’…even though my plants and I fit just fine.

When I got towards the end of my workout, I realized that where I currently am is everywhere I used to wish I was. I used to go from one person’s house to the next because I always managed to set myself backwards in one way or another. Surprisingly, no one ever brought my ‘disorder’ up back then and it makes me question why? My past behavior aligned way more with ‘manic episodes’ than me calling for the family to heal. After bothering myself with my inability to change the channel of my thoughts…I stopped my workout and went to the Sanderson sister chat. I spoke from my ego and told them they were the ones who started out with the advantage…and still lost. I told them to weigh how much treatment they told me I needed, against my ability to get where I am without it. And I asked them to ask themselves where they think I’d be if I hadn’t been constantly subjected to their mental attacks. No reply was given.

Truthfully speaking, I wouldn’t even feel a way if things like this weren’t used as a slight against my adulthood. That’s because with all their claims of my mental instability…I have consistently been able to pay my rent. My ‘bipolar’ mind has also allowed me to be content driving the same car for the last 9 years because car notes don’t appeal to me. It’s allowed me to buy used phones off Amazon to avoid increasing my bill because keeping up with the ‘Johnsons’ doesn’t feel as good as keeping up with my reality. It’s encouraged me to shop at Goodwill more than I buy new clothes because new clothes get old. And it rejoices in the fact that all of my bills are paid. Full Disclosure: I now think their real issue is…I’m sane enough to live within my means. Would I like for things to be different? Yea…but I’m not there yet. It is what it is.

I literally just learned how to avoid ‘trigger traps’ like the one I fell in earlier. One avoidance technique that has been working is alchemizing my energy instead of giving the non beneficial version of it to the horde. I do this through writing, working out, watching old movies and funny YT videos, etc. But I went the other way today and chose to give the negative energy back to the ones who gave it to me. That’s not where I should have gone and it makes me feel like I’m still not where I should be. But…it’s where I am. I did stop after the one text so if I’m comparing my present self to who I’ve been in the past…I’m progressing.

On a brighter note…I went back and finished my yoga.

Love,

Choosy