Annoyed

Chile…lets just get to it…

Please take a second to forget everything I wrote yesterday about not going to the Gang Goofy group because today they felt my presence…whether they want to acknowledge it or not. I started my day off like any other…annoyed by the time I’m required to wake up but grateful that I have a reason to get out of my bed. When I looked at my phone I saw that I had 2 texts from my little sister…which was a spillover from a conversation we had yesterday. In a nutshell…I was told that my refusal to pick her child up 5 days out of the week, like I’ve been doing for the last 7 months, makes me “evil spirited”. And the fact that I have now started increasing the ‘auntie activities’ I do with her (amusement park visits, shopping trips, playground dates, etc), when I do pick her up, is me trying to distract her from what I’M DOING TO HER MOTHER. The sense of entitlement that this new generation of adult children have, as a result of the misguidance from the older adult children who raised them, is excruciatingly infuriating. But because I’m already at a disadvantage with having the diagnosis of ‘bipolar’…I have to carefully contain the rage flowing through my body in order to articulate the fury I feel right now.

I didn’t plan on going to the bigger group chat with this because a while ago, I started to feel guilty for blasting my little sister’s business to people who I started to feel reveled in the dysfunction. Unfortunately, we belong to the child of my grandparents who was more favored and that has led to some unspoken jealousy among everyone. So my intuition told me to stop going to them with this part of the phuckery because with her being the youngest…she also received that preferential treatment. But today I chose petty…after she tried gaslighting me into believing I’m “spiteful” for trying to take my nieces mind off the dysfunction of our unit…that I am in full participation of. My intentional participation makes me feel guilty and I’m trying to make up for that. Toxic…mid level maybe. Effective…yes.

For the last year I have been calling my younger sister (BM’s Name) Jr. as an insult. It’s my way of emphasizing the lack of accountability and blame shifting that they both possess and I also use it as a way to shine a light on their ability to scapegoat me into thinking I’m the problem when I decide to stop cleaning up the messes they make. So these were the points I made to the group when I screenshotted her audacity and sent it to the silent observers. Show of hands if anyone believes this ‘young lady’ didn’t double down on her disrespect. If your hand is raised, get out…and come back when you’re ready to be serious.

She messaged me privately and told me that I need to stop “acting crazy” because she is a “loose screw” when it comes to her child. After asking her to tighten her screws back up…I sent that screenshot to the group too and advised that I can’t imagine how dumb they all must feel for spending so much time calling me crazy. I reminded them that they are still allowing history to repeat itself because my little sister is only reenacting the behavior she witnessed my mother engage in. Which must make me some kind of (mis)fortune teller because everything I spoke about with the group, my first year of begging in 2021, is coming to pass now. And what do I still get in return…crickets.

I have tried to give my little sister the grace she deserves because she can’t know what she hasn’t been taught by her own mother. But now I’m annoyed. Yesterday she did her best to distance herself from the other goofies by trying to claim she didn’t engage in the trigger attempts over the last four years. And as much as I hate to quote Drake…”Screenshots solve plenty problems”. I sent her a reminder of her actions and she tried gaslighting me into believing what she wrote meant something other than what she said. These energies are so aggravating. Especially since none of the adults are the victims! I now feel guilty because her texts made me feel like not picking up one of the actual victims everyday is causing issues that I didn’t anticipate. As the ‘resident bipolar’…I am having a hard time figuring out how all this weight to perform is falling on my shoulders…but as an aunt…I feel like I’m being incredibly selfish.

My little sister made a point to remind me, once again, that my BM has had me “blocked for years” and that’s why she thinks I’m now taking my anger out on her. ??? I think that’s when it really clicked that these people desperately need to believe that I’m the problem. I know my mother likes running with this ‘block’ story so for the sake of being on brand with the ‘diagnosis’ she claims I was given…her childhood bestie, who was also misled about my mental instability, was already added in this chat. Maybe she can relay the messages. *I know I profess to be healing…but this petty is clingy af.

Long story longer…the children of accountability avoidant parents have no choice but to run from accountability when their card is pulled. (I know this from experience.) Look at the lengths my mother has gone just to avoid admitting that she lied on me in order to take the attention off parenting that left her children so emotionally damaged. I wouldn’t still be trying to get her to acknowledge what she lied about if she wasn’t sitting back watching her other child force me into taking care of responsibilities that are not mine. Responsibilities that wouldn’t even be hers if our mother had prepared her for womanhood. At this point…my BM can’t have it both ways. My initial call for counseling was either a result of a “manic episode” or it was a result of me trying to prevent exactly what is happening now. Meanwhile…more time is being wasted. Madness!

And now…yoga.

Love,

Choosy