SeLf COnTroL
These thoughts were triggered by my acceptance that I often speak from a version of myself that I haven’t fully become yet…
By no stretch of the imagination was any decorum shown today in the Gang Goofy chat. I really tried hard…to not bite my tongue and I accomplished my goal. I’m not posting the screenshots because the majority of my texts could be considered ‘elder emotional abuse’ and I don’t want to get cancelled before my ’project’ has the chance to reach my intended audience. I can say that I exercised some level of self-control though because I ended the conversation, between me and myself, when I felt there was nothing else to say. I do this a lot in the group chats and I’m honestly confused on how I can decide to stop texting, and commit to that decision, if I am what they say I am. Then I reread my words and am reminded why they keep telling me to get therapy. I’m an angry bird. And as much as I want to pretend that I am over here resting in a bed of peace…I can not. ‘Gaslightning’ sent a meme earlier of a cartoon dog sitting in the middle of a room that was on fire while reading a newspaper. The caption was “It’s fine”. This would be an accurate depiction of me if the dog was foaming at the mouth.
That text made me think that my brother was leaning over towards my side and acknowledging his ability to ignore the state of our ‘family’. That thought lasted all of 2 minutes. After I started ‘disrespecting’ my grandmother…by telling the truth…he started to gas me up again. Then I finally accepted that these people could never acknowledge the truth of our family needing help before and they definitely can’t do it now after all the years they spent pretending I was the problem…for speaking on our problems. It would be unbearably embarrassing to concede to someone that they lied on. And I will never let them forget their lies. I’ve spoken before about being desensitized to the emotions of certain people due to my past experiences and that statement is still true. I don’t care about the feelings of anyone who has disregarded mine. I wish I could change that but I don’t want to. Maybe my 40’s will bring in my maturation. But for now…I want to unapologetically tell the truth to everyone who lies on me and I want to use my ‘mouth machete’ while doing so. Is that God like?…ask Him boo.
I was almost remorseful about the words I wrote earlier until I realized that 96% of the chat claims to have blocked me. So if they are telling the truth…they have no idea what was said. If they are the liars that I assume they are, who keep pulling out their popcorn in silence every time I hit ‘manic mode’…they deserve exactly what they saw.
There was a new discovery revealed by my twin though. It looks like my shame tactic has motivated her to, once again, take on some of the responsibility that comes with being the older sibling to a young adult that was never really raised. I was happy for 2 seconds until I realized that my BM is being bailed out by another one of her children that she led astray…again. So I sent a few texts expressing my frustration with the fact that all the ‘old bitter boomers’ are sitting back watching my twin and I carry the weight of a parent when we are childless. And in this moment, I see another theory for the silence of all the single mothers in the chat. They see no issue with us taking on this responsibility for our sibling because most accountability avoidant black parents truly believe it’s ok to have one of their childless children assume responsibilities that belong to parents…with no benefit being received by anyone but the parents. This mentally unstable belief is considered normal in our community. And they wonder why so many of their adult kids are okay passing their parental responsibilities off onto someone else (grandparents, government, siblings, etc). It’s a cycle they birthed within the confines of their own broken homes.
Love,
Choosy
