P’Popper
I just want to do…whatever I want to do…
I knew it was a reason my immediates were trying to reach out and touch my ability to forgive and forget. Over the last few days I’ve been receiving FB friend requests from ‘family’ members that I don’t know. So my posts must’ve started a conversation that I’m clearly not a part of because being friend’s on social media…says nothing. I don’t know if I should be more offended by the fact that they friended me without acknowledging what they see…or by the fact that I actually expect them to say something. Because delusion is on both sides. I want to send a text to the group chat..to troll…and to explain why I feel everyone has now had a sudden change of heart towards me. But…I still can’t find the energy to thumb them down. I don’t know what changed but it used to take milliseconds for me to have the urge to harass the chat…and then decide that this was obviously the appropriate choice. I’m guessing the fact that I no longer need them to validate what I’ve been saying…is taking away my desire to give them opportunities to offer me validation. I know…that I know…what I know now…no matter what they say.
Between the incoming friend requests…accepted friend requests…and back to back calls…I knew the buttermilk needed a cleanse. But after receiving uncomfortably nice texts, with undertones of sisterhood, from my twin…I think this b*tch has poison in it. Her texts have all been centered around my niece…but it’s the way she’s pretending she wasn’t just trying to trigger my ‘mania’ last month that has me very confused. It feels like they’re trying to nudge me in the direction of wiping the slate clean by forgetting it was ever dirty and…I don’t accept the challenge. I still don’t know if my older brother was calling to extend an apology or not because I haven’t called him back. But the fact that this conversation was attempted to be had privately, when he participated in publicly shaming me, isn’t motivating me to want to find out. And now my twin is privatizing her politeness too. So it looks like the only way for me to engage them is by ignoring the tension I still feel. Something about this option feels intentionally disrespectful.
The text I’ll eventually get around to sending will probably ask why everyone is trying to pretend the last 4 ye…23 years didn’t happen. I know I’m supposed to be putting the kids before my feelings so I’ll bring the counseling conversation back up when I text them. But I’m feeling like my suggestion will be overlooked again after I tell them I have no desire to participate. Why not? Because I’m not the &%$#@ problem…and I’m still convinced that all of this is a result of backfiring spell work. I don’t know how I’ll word what I’m going to say and I definitely don’t know when I’ll get the desire to figure it out because I finally feel like I have some peace. There hasn’t been a single trigger, from someone I actually care about, in a long time and I want to vacation in this serenity. I fully realize that I’m being offered the opportunity to participate in healing the trauma that I’ve been screaming about all these years but right now they can kiss m….I’m tired. I’m sure God will keep this pressure on my soul until I say something so I’ll probably speak up soon but as for right now…I’m holding my peace.
Love,
Choosy