Paranoia

These thoughts were triggered by my decision to double down on thoughts that will have me viewed as ‘crazy’…it’s time…

Most of my life I have felt, in my spirit, that something wasn’t right with how my family interacted with me. It always felt like I was put in situations that drained my energy and left me questioning my reality. I could never articulate what I was feeling though. But truthfully speaking, I have felt like my family has been conspiring to incite a mental breakdown in me since I was a teenager. Unfortunately for me, there are many psychological terms to explain away the paranoia of ‘diagnosed’ individuals, who are actually just experiencing spiritual warfare. So speaking about my experiences just opens me up to more claims about my alleged mental imbalance. And when I add in the fact that I experience this warfare from strangers too…I open myself up to suggestions for psych evaluations. Today, I’ll discuss one of the tactics that has been used in this never ending war.

Over the last five years I have lived in three different apartment complexes. And all three of them eventually produced the same exact trigger…surveillance (monitoring spirits). Door cameras became popular a while ago but I never had a problem with them until I noticed my neighbors propping theirs up in a way that directly faced my door. The first time it happened, at the first apartment complex, I had been staying there for at least a year. I had invited my family over in the beginning but this ended up being the year I officially put distance between us. After that, new neighbors moved in all the way at the end of the breezeway and for some reason they positioned their camera at an angle…on their door frame…facing my door. Effort clearly had to be put into this. It felt like I was being spied on so I complained to the leasing office via email. The camera was moved but it still captured me when I walked by their door to get to the stairs. So instead of continuing to park on the side of my building, I started parking in the front to avoid feeling like my movements were being tracked.

The second complex had a floor plan that placed my apartment directly across the walkway from another. After exploding on the owner of the property at my previous complex for an unrelated issue, fresh off of a familial trigger, I wasn’t given an ‘offer to renew’ letter. I scrambled to find housing but my income left me with little to no options because the average rent had gone up…my pay was still the same though. I ended up finding a complex in an undesirable area. It was a complex I stayed in long before the neighborhood turned…so on FT calls with my niece, the layout was easily recognizable. I had been staying there a few months before the new neighbor moved in and they had no ‘plausible’ choice but to place their camera directly facing my door. So every time I walked out of my apartment I had a camera staring me in my face. I complained about it, via email, and asked if it could be placed at an angle that didn’t intrude on my privacy. I was told no.

Understandable because of the area and it was that neighbors right. But that is when the breaks in my mental state started increasing. It didn’t help that I was also having issues with the fact that I was misled into moving into an apartment that had roaches…AND I was also dealing with the incessant triggers from my family. I had already raised hell about the roaches so when they refused to have the camera angle changed…I was allowed to break my lease, after paying all associated penalty fees…and throwing out most of my roach infested furniture. I then moved into the apartment I now reside in.

I stayed here a while…trigger free…before the cameras started going up. There were a few (on the same door) that popped up at the entrance I used to come in and leave out of…but there was an alternate entrance so I was able to work around that. But then I got another new neighbor directly next to me. Their camera is positioned on the ceiling of their frame, at an angle that captures not only their door..but mine as well. I raised hell again, both times, via email. The first time nothing could be done so I changed entrances…the next time I was told that they could ask for it to be repositioned. But even after the repositioning it still slightly faces my door. So I got creative and made a door sign to obstruct its view. If I hadn’t, I probably would have moved again. It still captures my leg movements but I don’t have to be starred in the face when I walk to my door…if I stay close enough to the hallway wall while walking.

All of this felt like intense paranoia until I was proven right with a theory I had. After the familial breakdown…I tried not to tell any of my family where I stayed. It always felt like after they found out my location…there was always some kind of chaotic energy that gravitated towards my environment. They found out about the address of my first two places without much effort. My last move was when I was finally able to prove I wasn’t making this up. I had managed to avoid disclosing my location for a while…until my father died. Months before that I had told the group chat that I had no intention of letting them know where I stay because every time I do…a camera magically appears. I was called a “paranoid schizophrenic” by my twin and everyone else ignored me. Then after filling out the paperwork related to my father’s death…I had to give my address on a document shared with my twin. A couple months later…is when the three tiered security system appeared. I politely went back to the group and said ‘I told you so’…in so many words.

I have to stress again that I am spiritually inclined…but not enough to know what any of this really means. I never really wanted to speak out loud about this due to my ‘diagnosis’…until I had enough evidence. I do everything through email and text because when I wasn’t..everyone could plausibly deny these recurring triggers. I could understand this happening once or twice…but three times at three different complexes seems suspicious to me. I do not know how spell work works because I am not dumb enough to play with magic. But I am smart enough to know that it’s real. I have experienced some of the most emotionally traumatizing situations over the last four years…well actually since college but I just started paying attention. And when I go over it all in my mind, it feels like one mania inducing set up after another. Saying this out loud may only add credence to the claims my family has made against my mental stability. Fortunately, my receipts have receipts.

Love,

Choosy