CtrlAltDelete

TRIGGER WARNING: Self-deletion is being discussed below.

These thoughts were triggered by the unease I feel when thinking about what could have been…

I have had a very long relationship with imbalanced thoughts. To me…my thought pattern was completely normal before I started my shadow work. Now…I can see some abnormalities were woven in. The thoughts that I can now acknowledge as ‘crazy’ relate to the daydreams I used to have about what life would look like without my presence. I developed this pastime in my early teens and almost acted on my desire to disconnect my spirit from my vessel in 8th grade, while living with my biological father and his other family. (I lived with them a year before my mother forced me to come back to ingest more of her trauma.) One day, my fantasies led me to a bottle of over the counter medicine laying around. For some reason I thought the contents had the potential to end my life. I vaguely remember most of the details about this year but the things I can recall make it obvious why my mind conjured up fantasies about a possible ‘ctraltdelete’. One of the memories I do have is of sleeping on the floor, at the foot of my stepsisters queen sized bed, the entire year I stayed under that roof. I remember this because I always wondered why my father and stepmom didn’t see an issue with it.

There were a lot of things I couldn’t make sense of back then and instead of voicing my frustration…I internalized everything and pretended not to be affected. I didn’t grow up surrounded by emotionally intelligent adults so my silent solution almost felt expected. The day my mind wandered off into a field of worthlessness, I put about 5 Advil in my hand fully expecting this to be enough to end me. But all I could think about was my little sister on my BM’s side. I asked how my decision was going to make her feel and after a few minutes I put the microdose back in the bottle. I didn’t revisit the thought until my sophomore year of high school. Fortunately, I always found reasons to stay whenever that thought would appear. It helped that I had discovered self-mutilation around that time so I would just carve a line or two whenever my reality was too much to bear…and then carry on with my day. The cutting lasted until I went to college.

It had been a while since I had the kind of thoughts that could lead to my earthly removal…until the big familial triggers started happening. Thankfully I had developed healthy workout routines by that time that still serve as a buffer to my irrational thinking. The presence of plant life in my space has also helped because I don’t feel as isolated with living greenery around. But there was a time when I asked the group chat about the possibility of me succumbing to self-deletion as a result of their triggers. No one, other than my twin, acknowledged my point. She honestly could’ve kept her response to herself though. She told me that no one believed I’d ever commit the act of early extinction because I am too “vain” to do so. After that it clicked that I live in the kind of family who would cry crocodile tears at the funeral of the person whose death they played a part in. Sadly, this happens more than people realize.

The possibility of self deletion could have become reality if I hadn’t found alternatives for my depression. Over the years, I have always known what to do and when to do it in regards to overcoming triggers meant to make me self destruct. It’s like God really wants me here. But I know if He hadn’t guided my steps in the right direction…my family would’ve shown up to my funeral with eyes covered in tattoo tears. And they would’ve all known that they did nothing to deter my decision. The part they would’ve blocked out of their mind is the fact that they actually added to my reasons for choosing that path. Only those included in the chats I’ve created would’ve known the concerted efforts they have taken against me and I’m sure no one would ever speak up about it. Their present silence validates my assumption. Which is why I keep being guided to find ways to make my experience public so that it has the potential to be seen. Even though I know I will ultimately be embarrassed and seen as ‘crazy’ ON A LARGER SCALE because there are more truth avoidant people like my family in this world than people like me who can see through them.

My experience is the suicide origin story that a lot of people eventually succumb to. When you are surrounded by ‘family’ who scapegoat you..after so many years it’s easy to believe that deletion is the only option for relief. Because if your own family is able to abuse then disregard you so easily…what hope do you stand with anyone else? But the space on Earth I now choose to intentionally take up is proof that the last laugh can go to the one everyone laughed at…if we learn how to control our emotions…alternate our perspective and delete the ability of those around us from continuing to project their mental imbalance onto us.

Love,

Choosy