MamiSeeMamiDo
These thoughts were triggered by my inability to comprehend why it’s so easy for a family to stay divided…
Well…this is awkward. I’m not really sure how to maneuver now that the ‘p*ssy is out the cat’. I like to keep certain parts of my belief system to myself because I realize I live in a world that likes to speak freely while also despising free speech…if it goes against beliefs they were indoctrinated into. Even with that considered…it still feels good to be the fullest version of myself…with an audience I’m not even sure I have. I refuse to check my stats for at least another few months. After my brother reappeared in the chat, I told him that I prefer texting them when they “stfu and let me pop my sh*t”. That belief is as true with them as it is with this. I don’t want to know whether anyone is reading, or not reading…I just want to say what I want while knowing there is the potential of it being seen. That’s because this is truly my therapy. ‘Sacrifice’ attempts aside…this is the cathartic feeling I want for all members of my family. I have tried my best to understand their reasoning for putting up so much resistance but I am always left with more why’s. And the ‘why’s’ always lead me back to one person.
I have given my mother more grace than I currently feel she deserves throughout this process. Grace comes because I empathize with her for growing up with a woman who I was told was also diagnosed with ‘bipolar’ disorder when my mother was young. My grandmother never got help from what I heard so my heart has always held a sympathetic spot for the inner child of my mother. But when I realized she had no intention of giving her children what her mother still refuses to give to her (maternal love with no strings attached), all traces of sympathy disappeared and I started to view her as a real life enemy. Making a counseling appointment is so easy! Over the years she has given a few reasons for not doing so. The first was that she felt I would find something wrong with her choice…the next was that she agreed with us getting help but felt I needed to seek out my own. And the last was that I only want to talk about counseling when I want to talk about it and she felt that was unfair. 4 years later and she hasn’t lifted not one finger to make something, she claims she agrees with, happen.
My issue with her refusal to play her role lies in the fact that I literally feel like I’m begging her to be the mother I always felt we deserved. One that puts her pride aside for the betterment of her unit. Instead…she allowed the same pride that divided us as kids…to divide us as adults. It’s like setting the appointment would shatter every piece of dignity she has. She grew up with a mother who was quick to criticize her children and quicker to compliment a stranger. I think some of my mother’s apprehension comes from a place of not wanting to feel unworthy again…especially in the eyes of people she carried in her womb. And I get that. But the only point I ever wanted to make is that taking the steps to heal the part of her that feels like she was never enough for her mom…will lead to her allowing the kids she has to feel the exact opposite. When she gives space for that unconditional love to take shape…it will automatically be returned to her. An even distribution of worth.
Whether my siblings want to admit it or not…we have all waited our entire lives for our mother to let her guard down. I can assume all I want to about what causes her to be so solution avoidant…like my assumption that she punishes me as a way to vicariously punish her mother, while wanting me to make the appointment so that she gets her long standing desire for a maternal type love…in a roundabout way. But my assumptions answer nothing. I now just want to know the reasoning for why she is still content being this way after all the opportunities she has had to go in a different direction.
Love,
Choosy
