Motion

These thoughts were triggered by releasing the weight of someone else’s mental instability…

I’m still committed to my Yoga girl era. My triggers don’t trigger me the way the used to, my body is now strong enough to hold the Crow pose for a full 30 seconds!!!, and I like having a legitimate reason to wear yoga pants…93% of the times I leave my apartment. So…we still go together. I’ve been watching the same DVD and the energy given by the instructor is still a little bit of a lot. She got on my nerves when I first started but I never took the time to ask why because the struggle to hold my poses always overshadowed my thoughts. But now I’ve gotten to the point where I’m comfortable with the movements and today, while my mind wandered, I figured out why she bothers me so much. There’s two women who share the screen with her and their job is to flow through the positions, even when the instructor stops. One of the women is used to guide beginners and the other guides those who are more advanced. The advanced lady signed up for her limits to be pushed…but the way the instructor went about it is what has been irritating my soul.

There were certain poses that the instructor told the audience she had a hard time doing so when it was time to do them she walked around and talked. It’s weird that she set the expectation for others to do what she couldn’t but she was probably hired because her name holds weight. The issue is…I think she’s so used to being good, at all things exercise, that she was triggered by the advanced woman who was technically hired to outperform her. The energy the instructor gives off to this woman is uncomfortable to feel and at one point she had both women hold their positions…while she filibustered. When the advanced lady didn’t fold, the instructor literally said “okay, put your foot down…you’re making me look bad.” !?!?! Which made me feel like she was purposely making her hold her the most difficult pose longer because her ego was bruised from feeling…and looking… inferior.

This is what I’m experiencing with my ‘family’. The position they’ve been forcing me to hold…isn’t giving them what it was supposed to have gave…and now they’re offended. Instead of breaking me, their triggers have been giving me the opportunity to do my shadow work and now I’m showing up in healed energy. They don’t even know my workload isn’t as heavy as it used to be and they’re still convincing themselves that I’m mentally unstable but no one has stepped in to help me play pick up for my niece and no one has released their trigger finger. I can’t understand how their bar has been set so high for someone like me but they seem very bothered that I haven’t given up…and my resilience is making them look bad. Because to them, their mENtAl sTaTUs suggest that they should’ve slowed the ‘bipolar’ down by now but…I still have motion. And now that yoga has my chakras aligning…they can’t scapegoat me into group chat crash outs like before. So those who have been walking around undiagnosed for so long…now finally get to feel the weight of their own mental illness since they no longer have mine to fixate on. I honestly wish I would’ve stopped talking a long time ago.

Love,

Choosy