MiddleFingers
Chapters are ending…
Anyone who has ever had the ability to share space with my emotions knows a few things about me. 2 of the 3 are…I always have something to say and if I ever choose to stop saying something…it’s a wrap. I don’t know when my ability to detach got so strong but as it stands now…if I’m done…I don’t look back. There’ve been a few people in my past that I thought I was done with but after the loneliness set in…I double backed. Now that I’m doing my shadow work…I can nottttt. The decision to stop talking is usually a result of feeling like my face has been played in…one too many times. If I let someone in…my feelings get hurt too easily for me to constantly ignore what’s happening so whoever’s playing has to die…in my mind. Until this past week, I was trying not to have to perform these mock funerals for my ‘family’…in order for me to continue living like they don’t exist. But…here we are. It’s looking like they feel the shift in my energy because yesterday my ‘mother’s’ ‘mother’ accepted my Facebook friend request…after a month. And today my older brother called me…twice. Chile.
When I got the first call I declined immediately because we have nothing to talk about. Then I started wondering if I had missed one of my niece’s birthdays so I text him to confirm since he let me talk to his other kids for their birthdays this year. He text back and told me it’s not for another week so I left it at that. But then he called back…and I declined again. I don’t know what he wants to talk about and I honestly don’t care because there will never be a time when I willingly chose to forgive what was done. Do I have things I want others to forgive me for? Yes…but they have the right to hold their grudge too. All I know is…he picked a side…it wasn’t the one I was on…so he can stay where he’s at. Normally I’d have more of a heart for him since he’s my favorite brother but the fact that he made me go 3 full years without the ability to speak to my nieces and nephews…for no reason…means it’ll always be a no for me when it comes to him. Because he didn’t just cut communication and leave it at that. He cut communication and then participated in the triggers that were clearly meant to break me mentally. My middle fingers will forever be extended.
As for my GM…she can kick rocks too. I only friended her so she could see my profile. Not sorry that I’m not sorry. Full Disclosure: My granddad, who told me to “kiss his a**” instead of helping to heal his family after I told him about himself, tried to make amends a couple months before he passed and I rejected his olive branch too. When he died I didn’t feel any way about it because I have an unnatural ability to detach. His ex-wife has had almost 4 years to speak up on my behalf and the fact that she claims to suffer from the same ‘disorder’ I have…but chose to sit back and watch her grandgoofies take turns goof trooping me…is crazy. They literally tag teamed me…knowing I was by myself…at a time when I was the weakest version of me. Forgiveness isn’t a word I think I’ll ever entertain. I’ve heard that not forgiving affects the unforgiver more than the unforgiven…but “frankly my dear”…idgaf. At this point…it feels like they couldn’t beat me so now they’re trying to join me. I hate that for them.
After I Got Out My Feelings: My conscience is telling me to make this about the kids but I have to go through their petty parents to get to them. Right now…I don’t know how to navigate this without falling back into my toxicity so I’m falling back until I do.
Love,
Choosy
