KFC
Bring y’all a** in here and get this lesson…shoes off please…
I’m still unpacking what happened with my niece yesterday. Every time I think about how I reverted back to my dysfunctional default response…I get agitated. I would spend this post woe is me’ing but that’ll defeat the purpose of the guidance God is giving me to Keep Finding Correction. I’ve said before that God gives me the same lesson until I learn it. And after it’s learned He puts me in proximity to those who will benefit from the change in my mindset because…everything He teaches us is meant to be used to aid someone else in their journey. And even in my failures…are keys to unlock something else I wasn’t paying attention to. In previous posts I’ve written about my fixation with abusive relationships…and how I was a willing participant in the ones I found myself in because I lacked accountability. I’ve known for a while that my addiction to toxicity stems from the connection I made with it in my childhood…but I can’t cite the actual source because I can’t remember most of whatever I experienced. The child I kept refusing to have was going to be God’s way of refreshing my memory because the men I procreated with…were sent to give me the opportunity to recreate that toxicity, in order to pass it down or heal it. But…I took a different route.
Everything happening in our present reality is meant to shape what we experience in our future. The present that my BM had me in…positioned me to grow up and unknowingly adopt her personality. Which required me to attract men with my BF’s (biological father’s) mindset. Any child I had, with either men, would’ve been signed up to go through the lessons I was supposed to learn before having them. The children from my first relationship would’ve received on-the-job domestic violence training…the same way my ‘parents’ taught me. If I had a girl…her lesson would’ve been how to play victim and hide abuse. If I had a boy…his lesson would’ve been how to use physical aggression to get points across to his partner. Both would’ve learned how to become codependent on toxicity after learning how not to love themselves by mirroring my reflection. And by the time I decided to leave that relationship…their emotional growth would’ve been too stunted for me to do anything with. When they grew up to attract their own spouses…the toxicity we exposed them to would’ve restarted the cycle of choosing to heal what I didn’t…or pass it down again.
The second relationship would’ve been more of the same but the transfer would’ve just been the emotional abuse…which is worse than the physical IMO. My decision to avoid locking myself into repeating those birthing rituals is what set me up to be in the position I’m in now. My child-free years have allowed me to learn how to process my emotions in a way that’s healthier than before…which gives me the option of paying it forward with the younger generations in my ‘family’. My initial failure with the yelling I did at my niece, was me passing down more emotional abuse. But the lesson I finally learned of relying on God for correction…allowed me to show her what accountability looks like in real time. If this situation had happened before I started my shadow work…I would’ve screamed my frustration away and asked God for foRGiVeNEss after I dropped her off. My actions would’ve passed down the lesson that in order to avoid my rage, she needed to learn how to tell better fairy tales so she doesn’t get caught up again…just like I learned with my BM. Which would’ve been me passing down the same lack of accountability that is still thriving throughout our bloodline. I wish I would’ve given the right response the first time but the lesson we received yesterday was needed…for the sake of our tomorrow’s.
Love,
Choosy
