BlackLove

Love is only as healthy as the people in it…

I have an unhealthy addiction to mess…so today I spent a lot of time watching breakdowns on the drama playing out between the couple that’s the go-to reference for black love in our culture. I was locked in when it first started spiraling out of control and then…I saw the video uploaded of their child. I’m seeing a lot of people go on and on about how they shouldn’t be publicly airing each other out on the internet and…I clearly can’t cosign that sentiment. But it feels like their frustration with how this is being handled has less to do with how this will eventually affect the child…and more to do with the fact that this air out is shattering the illusion that struggle love can magically morph into happily ever after. I don’t feel any way about the relationship aspect because I rarely buy into the couple goals posted on the internet. Most people who go out of their way to broadcast how in love they are to strangers…has always made me feel like they’re over compensating for something. Judging from all the recent scandals posted online about the same couples that everyone was convinced they should be trying to be just like…I’m right for feeling the way I do. I sound a bit bitter because I don’t have a man? Fuc…kiss my a…you got it.

I don’t know what anyone has going on behind closed doors but from what was publicly shared…that relationship seemed more like a trauma bond, bound by a marriage certificate, than actual love. I know from experience that bonding with someone over trauma…always births separation anxiety when the relationship is coming to an end because neither of the people involved are emotionally stable enough to be amicable about the split. Detaching from my trauma bonds felt like torture because I was too attached to having someone there to distract me from the personal pain that I didn’t want to acknowledge. And I picked people who were running from theirs too. Bonding over heightened levels of unhealed trauma is a beast without kids…I can’t imagine what that bond would feel like with them. I don’t know if this is true for the poster couple but kids are usually introduced when one partner feels like their hold on the other is slipping. It creates a way to keep a tether to the partner who is starting to wake up and the presence of that child is usually used to invoke guilt if that person ever decides to move on.

I know I’ve said this a few times but…kids being used as pawns is a real thing and the emotions these kids will eventually feel is always an afterthought for adults trying to prove a point. Most of the reactions I’ve seen from “the blacks” on this situation is the stereotypical silencing tactic that ‘what goes on in our house should stay in our house’. Honestly speaking, if they didn’t air out what was really happening in their household…everyone would still be anticipating their reconciliation because the fetishized image of black love is always better than the reality of it. The reality of black love is…most of us enter into relationships to avoid being alone because being alone means we have to be with ourselves. Most people don’t know how to do that so they fill that space with children that they aren’t ready for and/or spouses that they don’t really like. And even when outsiders pick up on the toxicity being shown to us…we ignore it because the lie we want to believe feels better. I’m happy they’re showing the reality of what toxic love looks like behind the curtains but it comes at the cost of the protection that they owe their child. But that’s what makes this situation more relatable because this is exactly how black love plays out in all black households…when love is used as a tool to keep up appearances instead of the foundation that the familial unit is built on.

Love,

Choosy