Elaboration
Say less…because I almost always take the opportunity to say more…
In my CoCANE post, I spoke briefly about a childhood memory I have of me pushing my little brother into the corner of a wall over ice cream. The build up to the push came after being told I couldn’t get any ice cream when I finished my dinner and…I lost control. I feel like the only reason I remember that situation is because of the shock I felt from thinking he was going to die…after seeing his face covered in all that blood. I’m hoping my intention was just to push him hard enough to make him drop the bowl on the floor but…?. Forcing it to fall would’ve allowed me to regain my sense of control because I would’ve been the one that made it impossible for him to eat it. Which meant we both would’ve lost the ability to have what we wanted. He could’ve just gotten more out the freezer? Oh. I couldn’t have been any older than 10 but that situation is a testament to how illogical I can be when having to accept the fact that I can’t have what I actually want. Earlier today I started comparing that situation to dating. And I’m starting to notice that when someone feels they can’t control whether they can have someone else…there are a lot of big agers that still respond with the emotional intelligence of a child.
Dating without emotional intelligence is why we have the BM epidemic. I honestly believe most men get most women pregnant because they know society has an unwritten rule that this will make the mother less desirable to other men. Which makes it easier for him to control their dynamic in a way that allows him to choose when/if he wants her. And when men with this kind of mindset can’t control a woman’s worth with a baby…they tell whoever will listen…all the things that are wrong with her. Even though these are things they willfully ignored…before they realized she was capable of choosing when/if she wants him. I was trying to understand the mentality behind this behavior earlier and realized the common denominator…is a lack of control. I experienced a handful of situations with my first ex where he went to all kinds of lengths to try and control how others saw me…whenever I left him. Years after leaving him for good…I realized this was a defense mechanism that was birthed from him being given up for adoption. He ended up being raised in a home where his foster father provided no emotional guidance…so he was basically raised by a married single mom. The other men I dated, who also had to have control by any means necessary, all had similar experiences of growing up without their actual fathers too.
Men raised primarily by single mothers…have no choice but to adopt similar personality traits of a woman because that’s their emotional sounding board. When a toxic woman can no longer control the man she wants…she either traps him with a baby and/or her emotions get the best of her and she publicly campaigns against his desirability…while claiming not to want him. This behavior is usually overlooked though because…we’re emotional beings. But I noticed that men raised by their mothers…adopt the same inability to control their emotional responses when they can’t control whether or not the woman they want…only wants them. IMO…the lack of control they feel in that situation makes them take the frustration they still have for their mothers, out on the women who have the ability to walk away from them. Because the pain from that potential loss…forces him to relive the pain his mother caused him…by choosing to procreate with a man…that chose to leave both of them. A lack of desirability resurfaces and can make a man like this feel inadequate…so their childlike knee jerk response is to pay that feeling forward. Same ice cream…different approach to regain control.
Am I compensating for my hurt feelings? ‘Worry bout yo’ seeeeeeelllllfffff’ chile.
Love,
Choosy
